anx note

was doing not to bad. i dare say my anxiety was even at 0/10!

then got phonecall.


phone anxieties a big stumbling block for me these days. so now i'm struggling to keep an anxiety attack away.

piling on the CBD and anti-anx tinctures. ack, forgot to take my ashvagandha this morning too, since my anxiety was so abscent, like it's normally present enough to remind me i need to take something.

jeez i hate that.

i'm going back to not picking up.

and god damn fuck you guys for making me pick up. take a fucking message. this is not good for health. already breaking out in fresh rashes. not to mention that neck spasm thing i get.

fucking horrbile.

my sympathies to anyone else experiencing anxiety problems.

fucking horrible dark thoughts i get when like this.

Posted by Digit | Permalink


machines of wellbeing

so, 2016 was a year of health challenges and rising to em. i intend to continue this on into 2017 (despite a dire prediction from a chinese horoscope graph).

as such, i'm looking at getting a veg prep machine, or maybe just a manual dicer, to help me get past those low-energy lazy moments when i dont bother making my healthy foods n juices.

or maybe even just a better juicer. my current masticating juicer has the advantage of being a masticating juicer, so it preserves more of the enzymes n nutrients, n produces juice that oxidises less rapidly than a choppy centrifugal one. but it does have a narrow feeding apperture, and i cant just throw whole carrots n other things in it. it takes a lot of veg prep. especially when i'm adhering to the full gerson protocol. so while a centrifugal one might not be so ideal, it would at least reduce the amount i laze out n skip, presuming it has the advantage my old one had, in that i could just throw whole carrots in.

aaaaand i'm even looking to robot coupe tech for this. both for the juicer, and/or the vegetable prep machine. big money. money which i dont have, or at least wont, until some time around april. .... maybe sooner if i get brutal on saving every penny.

having cannabidiol is a big help in most* regards.

* doesnt help so much with keeping my pathetic appetite up. tetrahydrocannabinol (and i presume others (and in combination with others) in the cannabinoid family)'s the real benefit for me there.

but juicing's been a big help in getting enough nutrition in me. i still imagine i've got the ravages of my old dr pepper addiction imparing me, even imparing my nutrient uptake, even though it was over a decade ago, and the cells and organs of my body will have replaced themselves, oft several times over. the harm patterns got set in. n so, maximising nutrient exposure's one of my key focusses. not only do i juice, but also take a lot of supplements.

current daily supplement pill-fest, if i take everything (which i usually fall short of) looks like:

2-6 5000 iu vitamin d3 *

2-8 mercola whole food multivitamin.

1-3 krill oil.

1-2 tocomin suprabio vitamin E (containing all 8 vitamin e types, ie, all 4 of both tocopherols and tocotrienols)

1-3 green pasture blue ice royal butter oil / fermented cod liver oil blend

1 400mg triple magnesium

1-4 mercola zinc complex

1 nature's plus source of life garden whole food vitamin k2 (m7)

2 swanson olive leaf extract, 75mg oleuropein

2-4 pau d'arco 500mg

2-3 pure synergy bone renewal whole food bioactive nutrients

0-3 inositol hexaniacinate

1-3 ashvaganda pills

1-4 biokult bioactives

1 manganese bisglycinate (actually i'm outta those)

1 tesco home brand b-active effervescent multi b vitamin (because fuck beroca or whatever its called, with asparfuckingtame poison and ascessulfucking poison in it).

1 1mg melatonin. (though i've not actually taken this for a while, ashvagandha + a bed-time herbal tea + cbd, is enough to help get sleep)

b6 megadose (rarely take)

a chip out of a 100mg 5-htp (taking whole ones didnt unpleasantness to me, taking a tiny amount did wonders above taking none)

and non-pills:

my main powder mix (i sprinkle this over drinks, n sometimes over food):

acerola cherry powder 27%

zinc bisglycinate

grapeseed extract

reishi mushroom powder

ginkgo biloba powder

l triptophan


(and thinking of adding an 8:1:1 amino acid powder to it, to help build muscles)

ascorbic acid (added mainly to help dissolvability in drinks, and to make the expensive acerola cherry vit c powder go further)

gerson protocol potassium supplement made strictly to specification, and never deviating into excess consumption.

ginkgo biloba leaf ( i have my own 12 year old ginkgo biloba tree in my window, it provides enough for this raynauds sufferer ) :)

silver coloid spray (using on an abscess in my jaw)

cannabidiol supplements

various anti-anxiety tinctures

i adjust the vit d3 pills i take in awareness of how many of the other vitd3 containing things i take (mercola whole food multivitamin, green pasture blue ice royal butter oil / fermented cod liver oil blend, pure synergy bone renewal whole food bioactive nutrients) i dont think i've ever really taken a full 6. but that's just the upper range in mind, considering that's the same as is said would be made by sunlight if u got the 30 minutes full body tropical mid-day sun, after 3 days of such mid-day exposures. ... though that figure's cagey at best considering skin colour n other factors can radically change absorbtion and vitd3 production.

(wanna get back to a magnesium bisglycinate... i do have a magnesium orotate too)

if i take a lot of my powder mix, n have mixed it with a lot of my zinc bisglycinate, then i dont tend to take so many of the mercola zinc complex pills. but my real holding-back point on zinc is if my testicles start to ache. that's when you know you're definately getting enough+. this quantity is still keeping in mind the sort of dose of zinc one might get from a weekly serving of oysters.

i think the pau d'arco's been a massive boon to helping sort me out. methinks it's been killing off nasty infections.

now, all that is to say, i take a lot of stuff, a lot of my nutrition, not from my food. it's my suspicion that all of this could be drastically reducded, the more of my nutrition i get from my food. i'd get more of my nutrition from food if i were to A) stick to gerson protocol's juicing recommendations (only juice, never nutrient-empty water) and B) get heirloom nutrient dense vegetables grown in nutrient rich soil. so with a better arrangement of machinery to help the juicing, i'd be able to fullfil the first half of that easier, and it would save me enough energy, that i might even manage to start on a plan to implement the second part. i even wonder about an aquaponics arrangement. feed my veg with fish poop. n likely even manage to feed my fish, in part, with the discards from my juicing. lol. or at least use em for compost in a soil grow arrangement.

now it's not like i dont have a heavy duty nutrient focus in my food. i try to do a jug of my ayurvedically astute hemp milk each day, consisting of >2 tablespoons of hemp kernels, soaked dates and/or figs, fresh ginger, ceylon cinnamon, freshly ground cardamons, touch of turmeric, pepper and pink salt, and likely a shaved brazil nut or three (for the selenium), some allspice, vanilla, n whatever else i feel like jazzing it up with on a whim on the day. even with none of the extra jazz, it's super tasty with the main ingredients anyway. oh, and sometimes i put a dot of avacado oil in it, a dot of olive oil in it, a dot of borage oil in it, a dot of pumpkinseed oil in it, balancing out the omega oils with more flax seed oil (though really with all the hemp, it's pretty decent already) as they all have something good to offer, to plug a gap, but i dont wanna over-do any of them, not just for the omega imbalances... like avacado have a dark side to em, despite offering some precious omega 2, and olive oil have some shadey production practices that almost invariably leave nasties in it (yep, even when organic ~ as you should always be getting anyway). full palate satiation. i try to do gerson protocl green juicing through the day (lie, i'll tend to only get one pint) and carrot juicing through the day (likewise lie, i tend to only get a pint). and a hippocrates soup (ha, i'll be lucky to get a bowl of that a couple times a week). ... so... i have some really good stuff going on, and a lot of it not going on nearly enough. hence the desire for more/better machinery (and appetite stimulation like via thc) to really start getting on top of my health situation. ... not to undermine all the great strides i made this year.

also, worthy of note, recently i was reading up on other causes of anxiety problems, n hit upon stuff about viruses n bacteria... so that's another reason to really wanna get my health bolstered. there's probably some nasty living in me, responsible, perhaps at least in part, for my anxiety, depression, and my asthma, eczema, raynauds and scleroderma. maybe even a role in other ailments too. so with sufficient nutrition (including the likes of pau d'arco and bioactives, even silver coloid etc) they should get killed off and/or displaced, overwhelmed by a strengthening imune system, no longer over worked attacking everything including my body because it has failed to figure out wtf is going on. ... doubtless my vaccinations played a role in that too.

i suppose it's worth mentioning some stuff i avoid too... though at some point i might as well just post the epic spreadsheet i've been working on to help me map all this, so i know what foods/supplements/toxins are harmful/beneficial to which ailments/bodyparts.

so, top of my shitlist, or at least, foremost on my mind just now, since it relates to the notion of past inputs having caused these ailments:

sunflower oil.

i could lump in a whole load of other oils in with that too (except flax oil, hemp oil, coconut oil and ghee).

sunflower oil is such a fucking cunt. sorry for the expressive language, but if you've got eczema and/or asthma, stay the fuck away from this stuff like the plague. get avidly reading every ingredient, and avoid avoid avoid at all costs. same warning for rapeseed too. ... i think they call that canola in other parts. starting to realise just how much of my autoimune flare ups are from this stuff. and from any excess of omega 6, in absense of sufficient omega3... n that's just the dumb simple of it. there's other crap in there too monkeying with my health. so fuck sunflower oil. and all the other shitty oils too.

ayurvedic wisdom does keep me a little cagey on flax, not wanting to go to excess on it, or at least, rebalancing with some warm heavy thick earthyness, to appease my vata dosha. but it really is the best oil, when looking at omega 6 to omega 3 ratio. it will help readress the balance that you've doubtless been encountering from all the other foods prepped in ignorance of omega oil ratios. sticking to hemp will keep you right too, but if you then add some other omega rich oil besides these two, you're doubtless throwing things off balance again, n flax will help bring you back.

wheat. fuck wheat. too much of it everywhere. even when trying to avoid it, some of it gets past my resiliance.

sugar. fuck sugar. but not nearly as much as fuck the franken sugars. high fructose dextrose glucose syrup whatevers. it's not that some of these are even bad in and of themselves, but it's the context in which they arrive. a little bit of dextrose for example, a highly reactive and bioavailable sugar, wouldnt be so bad if it were in small quantities amidst an abundance of nutrition. is this what you find though? is this what commercial food offers it as? hell no. they offer it in an utterly nutrient-abscent nutrient-depleting arrangement, often with ill-prepared grains, laden with phytates, bam, double whammy for sucking the nutrients outta you right to the core of your bones. ... it's like they're trying to kill us.

i surely dont need to go on about aspartame again do i? i get so exhausted having to tell people about this. just go websearch it for yourself. go look into the history of how it entered the food supply, as well as the biological effects it has, especially on the brain. sneaky lil trojan nerf it is. slips past the blood brain barrier, n then splits up into 4 different types of excitotoxin. VERY nasty. worst thing in the food supply. anyone adding that addictive poison (no, it litterally is a poison, not just a toxin) to their commercial food needs re-educating, and if they still add it, they need to be taken out and behedead. no need for that kind of psychopaths in charge of our food, or in charge of anything. that kind of intent poses one of the greatest dangers to humanity that we have ever faced. utterly daunting, the thought of what that's doing to the brains of people. inhibiting their ability to learn new information, making them more subserviant to he who has the power to repeat their dogma the most often and loudest, imparing rational capacity, making people more volatile, giving excuses of tyrants to go "see, see how unruly n savage people are? they need a firm authority to keep them in line." bullshit. fuck you rumsfeld.

ack. i shouldnt have started that rant. lol. gets me so worked up thinking about it. really upsetting when i see friends gleefully chugging that shite. i'd rather they smoked 120 american spirit rolled tobacco cigs a day, than ever took one sip of something aspartame laden.

aaaanyways, what else should i have a little rant about.... och, fuck it. lets just keep it simple...

instead of needing to know your way around all the ingredients n how bad this or that is for this organ or that medical condition, how about, just that one simple rule...

if there's only one ingredient... if it is the ingredient, then you're doing alright. (organic, of course. they dont tell you what residues are on and in it, so better to have em be organic.)

that's kinda what i'm striving for now.

though of course that tends to mean (except for with fruit) that you're gonna be in charge of the food preparation.

... time to get some beasting machines to make that easy n fun.

Posted by Digit | Permalink


dramas ramble

so someone my social group on irc and myself know from previous social group arrangements online is going on a crazed intimidator rampage again. and i do mean both crazed, and intimidator.

threatening lives of some friends n such vile bilge.

it's got me off looking into the celestine prophecy's insights again, 6th insight most prominently (erm, tho, is it 4th too applies? i forget) and associated commentaries.

found some decent ones.

like this one for example:


(though i only read the intimidator portion of that, since it's what's pertinent at the moment. so dont go off with the perception i'm praising it in its entirety, especially if the rest's rubbish. lol)

been doing a lot of pondering my own too, off the back of this.

i'm not sure, even 11 years since i read the celestine prophecy, that i've yet worked out what my dominant control drama is. i see them all in me.

likely one of the passive ones. one key moment does stand out, from years before i read it, when a well respected insightful friend pointed out, with one word, my state at the time, which i was quite oblivious too, both the state/action, and the word... "aloof", so maybe it's that.

however i have many ailments n oft describe myself as "feeble". in my mind, this is a cheery glossing over, a relatively chipper quip, rather than letting it get on top of me.

but maybe that's because when i say it i've been getting other people's energy. but the flip side of this is, that i hate being asked how i'm doing, how i am. now that might be be an aversion to interogatives, but to me, the logic of it is as such: if i'm doing great, why would i want to take time out of that to answer such a mundane dull query (not to mention how much of a sludge status of consciousness it is to ask it... cant you see already?), and if doing poorly, why would i want to bring my attention to that sharn. but more than either side of that pesimistic logic gate, to make me think i'm not really doing poor-me control drama (and that i am actually just feeble with many ailments) is my reaction to the noises of sympathy i get when i actually bother to answer such interogatives with any level of honesty (rather than brushing off with the customary "fine" just to end it sooner). I hate it. it's like "yuck! get this sympathy off me. i neither need it, nor want it. keep your energy." it feels slimey and crawly. "how are you", what a shit question. i generally see no win scenario outta it. gotta crawl through mud with it.

n i wonder then if this is in some way some kind of aloof control drama... in part because i think i still dont quite understand the aloof control drama... but maybe it's not a control drama after all, n any curiosity it may provoke in others is something of genuine worth n insight... idk. i find a lot of blurred edges to it all. ... is that more indication of control drama? i still dont know. ^_^ not clueless, just, dont know how to assemble the clues. lol.

but anyhoo... control dramas... intimidator... how to deal.

i remember once, years n years back, some time around the time between school n college, me n some buddies were out at a friend's house, way out in the country, near a village, n we had gotten a jolly drunk, n went out to some other nearby party that had spilled over from a pub. one or two of our friends were a bit... um... shall we say, creatively styled. and, from this, we could tell the mainstay of that party were building up some aggression about this. cut to us lot running away from a small hoard of guys from the year or two above us at school, chasing us up a road into the night... and it just struck me... why are we bothering to run. wtf is gonna happen... so i just stopped. the hoard caught up with me... and... they seemed largely as clueless as to what to do as we were for running. i'm reluctant to even say "i talked my way out of it", because while it might have seemed that is what was happening, i think now what was happening was that i was simply no longer giving my energy to their intimidation. for all the blah blah fast talking i was doing, as the hoard surrounded me, and my friends (who were already running ahead faster than me by the time i stopped) ran off out of sight, i just gave up on engaging with the drama. like i just stood firm in present witness of the farce of it. utterly no harm came to me. so eventually i sauntered off back to my friend's house to continue our party, to find the rest of my friends still in fear, and astonishment i had made it back unscathed.

just dont let them. not by force. not by any other drama. just by firmed up presence, just consciousness rooted deep where you are now. just blow off the drama. get right past all that nonsense.

now, it's easy in hindsight to blah blah blah about doing that, but i know from having read other advices on the matter, while i was not so readily transcendent, stressed and readily under the whim of any control drama, that it's not so easy to grasp and implement. it's still always there, ready for you to sublimate to, just not so easy to see how, to grasp. like we seek for specific strategies, when it's not a strategy thing. it's like the absence of strategy, because you're not playing that game. it's not about winning, it's about not losing. easiest way to not lose, is to not play.

now there are all kinds of other "strategies" (i know, i just said it's not strategies... but i'm talking now about the game outside that game... a non-game, in a sense) swirling around my thoughts... carrying on game references... ever play pipe-dreams or similar? where there's a flood coming and you have to assemble lots of pipes to keep the flow going n not have it spill... well, kinda (and i do mean kinda... this is tenuous similarity threads here), instead of having your bucket, n dishing out your energy from your bucket, getting depleated, until you get filled again from another source, likely, if lost in that game you shouldnt bother playing, from other people, locked in that contentious escalation game of scarcity energy, consider you have access to another source... a source that's going to keep on flowing... and you can position pipes at it, direct that energy to where it needs to go. you're no longer depleating your energy. and you can fill the buckets of those who are still locked in that bucket game, not sublimating to transcendent states above it. n u can do this in ways that doesnt reward their dramas. and remember, we only really do our dramas to make up for our own lack. so once they're filled, once their buckets are filled, the they can have a better chance of breaking past that habit, easier to see, easier to engage in ways that dont get stuck in scarcity and theft patterns.

i quite like doing this. directing energy from source to somewhere.

sometimes, i find my actions, my direct open sharing of insights leads others to expectation of me. this is another subtle type of ... drain(?) ... pressure(?) ... it's an incumberance to the flow. like an excitement leads them to squeeze, not realising their choking the very thing they are eager to receive from. and it really is subtle enough to not be readily caught by their own self insights, and too subtle for me to halt proceedings and go "hey! stop that." or otherwise worded, like "excuse me, the effect that has on me is thus...". ... idk, or maybe it's not, n i should try that sometime. like the aproach in that link above, it finds ways to lay out the honesty of it, without engaging in the control drama game. not a poor-me "oh how could you do this to me" nor an interogator "dont you see what you're doing wrong?", nor an intimidator "stop doing that or else", nor an ... aloof ... "oh never mind then". (i had to think about the aloof example... still not really sure i'm doing it justice there, shakey such as my comprehension of it is).

okiepokes... i'm off to get breakfast. been up for hours n only had a cup of mint tea. tsk tsk. shudnt do that, with a vata dosha. ;)

until next digit's other blog post... cheerio. :)

Posted by Digit | Permalink



ow ow ow ow ow ow

Posted by Digit | Permalink