certain to stir

so... i suppose i wont be able to help but have this post consist of a lot of rant about maximus, the dwp, and the assaultment.

it's not nice being put through that torture, on top of the torture of various ailments faced all day every day already.

very gestapo, but with even more mind blowing sureal absurdity, which only adds to the inhumane cruelty of it.

imagine this...

so there you go, driving in to the meeting, have an anxiety attack enroute, n so responsibly park at the earliest convenience to avoid risking road accidents. you've been through this assessment process once before, but last time they came to you, on account of your difficulties getting out of the house, notably severe social anxiety. but since they hold the purse strings on the income you depend on for the necessities of life and combatting your ailments, and since you cant use phones thanks to your social anxiety to arrange otherwise, you capitulate, and strive at great effort and risks to get there to the assessment. as you arrive, instead of any sembelence of consideration for your condition, you get shouted at, and made to wait pointlessly. then when let in, it's continued abraisive contempt and impatient curt interupting of your answers. it could just be chalked up to some outrageously clumsy bureacratic neglegence from the top... until then comes the question that follows after the question about self harm and suicide.

"why havent you killed yourself yet?"

yes. that really is what you get asked in these dwp/maximus work capability assaultments.

so there's your smoking gun for it being a cull.


though, euthanasia, even involuntary euthanasia, containing the word euthanasia, suggests there's some kind of mercy on their part. there's no mercy to their cull of the sick & poor.

i dont know if they're trying to do it just by the pure numbers, or if they have some notion of achieving greater genetic purity or some other totalitarian lunacy. the numbers dont even seem to add up. not that it should at all ever be reduced to just the numbers. these are peoples lives, their rights.

"why havent you killed yourself yet?" is an outrageously inapropriate thing to ask someone with mental health problems.

fuck you maximus, the dwp, and the conservative party.


i had read back through my old posts in this blog. i had forgotten how well i was doing in 2015, how much ground i had managed to recover... oh how horrendously far i've fallen since that first assaultment.

i dare say i'm about the worst health i've ever been. worse even than when i needed to be rescued and taken back home the first time, ending my college days, and as it turns out, signalling the start of a long time as a fulltime feeble incumbered with multiple debilitating ailments. so, in hindsight, bye bye career in the arts, sciences, education, whatever those lofty ideas my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles all thought was to be in my life story. nope. life of feeble.

but lets not present that like i'm worthless.

lets not present the idea that people can be considered worthless.

all life.

so i'm not going to sit here and try to come up with all the evidence of my life being worthy, so i can present it in my case as i pleed for my life to the government.

i dont want to validate that scenario.

we shouldnt need go through that.

indeed we have laws against that sort of thing.

duty of care.

human rights.

laws against assault, and forcing someone to commit suicide (that's called murder ~ and doing it lots of times as policy and proceedure, is mass murder).

calums list is too long.

they have to be stopped.

new systems (or even the old system) need put in place.

supposedly some of the argument put forward why we needed to conjure this system was to take the burden off the National Health Service, and the General Practitioners, from all those incapacity benefits claimants needing a note from them.

.... aaaaand the system we have now is somehow better and more cost effective? how???

nope, costing more.

causing harm. making ailments worse, putting greater burden on NHS and GPs. costing more.

but i suppose if you just kill off all the sick & the poor... .... see if that's how dirty nasty n evil this is being played... do we have anyone on our side playing that nasty? someone go break theresa may's legs, and put her through some psychelogical torture that would give her PTSD... y'know a combination of ailments that pretty much precludes her from being seriously considered "fit for work", and have her be put through the mill of this nightmare.

i rly dont like those sorts of violent suggestions, but so stressed, that's some kind of mal-adaptive coping mechanism, or something like that, i forget quite how my shrink put it.

... been watching better call saul. it's back on. lots of stuff in that gets me thinking, about my ailments, about isolation, about other people's interactions with people with ailments that call for special consideration... it's good stuff.

such things, are a form of therapy in their own right.

and comedy.

endorphins n such, are healing.

difficult at times with depression.

n also difficult to keep taking all the supplements and doing all the activities i'm supposed to for my health, with depression, which makes the depression worse... black hole. rough.

so... fuck the dwp, maximus and the conservative party.

fraudsters and murderers.

Posted by Digit | Permalink


anx note

was doing not to bad. i dare say my anxiety was even at 0/10!

then got phonecall.


phone anxieties a big stumbling block for me these days. so now i'm struggling to keep an anxiety attack away.

piling on the CBD and anti-anx tinctures. ack, forgot to take my ashvagandha this morning too, since my anxiety was so abscent, like it's normally present enough to remind me i need to take something.

jeez i hate that.

i'm going back to not picking up.

and god damn fuck you guys for making me pick up. take a fucking message. this is not good for health. already breaking out in fresh rashes. not to mention that neck spasm thing i get.

fucking horrbile.

my sympathies to anyone else experiencing anxiety problems.

fucking horrible dark thoughts i get when like this.

Posted by Digit | Permalink


machines of wellbeing

so, 2016 was a year of health challenges and rising to em. i intend to continue this on into 2017 (despite a dire prediction from a chinese horoscope graph).

as such, i'm looking at getting a veg prep machine, or maybe just a manual dicer, to help me get past those low-energy lazy moments when i dont bother making my healthy foods n juices.

or maybe even just a better juicer. my current masticating juicer has the advantage of being a masticating juicer, so it preserves more of the enzymes n nutrients, n produces juice that oxidises less rapidly than a choppy centrifugal one. but it does have a narrow feeding apperture, and i cant just throw whole carrots n other things in it. it takes a lot of veg prep. especially when i'm adhering to the full gerson protocol. so while a centrifugal one might not be so ideal, it would at least reduce the amount i laze out n skip, presuming it has the advantage my old one had, in that i could just throw whole carrots in.

aaaaand i'm even looking to robot coupe tech for this. both for the juicer, and/or the vegetable prep machine. big money. money which i dont have, or at least wont, until some time around april. .... maybe sooner if i get brutal on saving every penny.

having cannabidiol is a big help in most* regards.

* doesnt help so much with keeping my pathetic appetite up. tetrahydrocannabinol (and i presume others (and in combination with others) in the cannabinoid family)'s the real benefit for me there.

but juicing's been a big help in getting enough nutrition in me. i still imagine i've got the ravages of my old dr pepper addiction imparing me, even imparing my nutrient uptake, even though it was over a decade ago, and the cells and organs of my body will have replaced themselves, oft several times over. the harm patterns got set in. n so, maximising nutrient exposure's one of my key focusses. not only do i juice, but also take a lot of supplements.

current daily supplement pill-fest, if i take everything (which i usually fall short of) looks like:

2-6 5000 iu vitamin d3 *

2-8 mercola whole food multivitamin.

1-3 krill oil.

1-2 tocomin suprabio vitamin E (containing all 8 vitamin e types, ie, all 4 of both tocopherols and tocotrienols)

1-3 green pasture blue ice royal butter oil / fermented cod liver oil blend

1 400mg triple magnesium

1-4 mercola zinc complex

1 nature's plus source of life garden whole food vitamin k2 (m7)

2 swanson olive leaf extract, 75mg oleuropein

2-4 pau d'arco 500mg

2-3 pure synergy bone renewal whole food bioactive nutrients

0-3 inositol hexaniacinate

1-3 ashvaganda pills

1-4 biokult bioactives

1 manganese bisglycinate (actually i'm outta those)

1 tesco home brand b-active effervescent multi b vitamin (because fuck beroca or whatever its called, with asparfuckingtame poison and ascessulfucking poison in it).

1 1mg melatonin. (though i've not actually taken this for a while, ashvagandha + a bed-time herbal tea + cbd, is enough to help get sleep)

b6 megadose (rarely take)

a chip out of a 100mg 5-htp (taking whole ones didnt unpleasantness to me, taking a tiny amount did wonders above taking none)

and non-pills:

my main powder mix (i sprinkle this over drinks, n sometimes over food):

acerola cherry powder 27%

zinc bisglycinate

grapeseed extract

reishi mushroom powder

ginkgo biloba powder

l triptophan


(and thinking of adding an 8:1:1 amino acid powder to it, to help build muscles)

ascorbic acid (added mainly to help dissolvability in drinks, and to make the expensive acerola cherry vit c powder go further)

gerson protocol potassium supplement made strictly to specification, and never deviating into excess consumption.

ginkgo biloba leaf ( i have my own 12 year old ginkgo biloba tree in my window, it provides enough for this raynauds sufferer ) :)

silver coloid spray (using on an abscess in my jaw)

cannabidiol supplements

various anti-anxiety tinctures

i adjust the vit d3 pills i take in awareness of how many of the other vitd3 containing things i take (mercola whole food multivitamin, green pasture blue ice royal butter oil / fermented cod liver oil blend, pure synergy bone renewal whole food bioactive nutrients) i dont think i've ever really taken a full 6. but that's just the upper range in mind, considering that's the same as is said would be made by sunlight if u got the 30 minutes full body tropical mid-day sun, after 3 days of such mid-day exposures. ... though that figure's cagey at best considering skin colour n other factors can radically change absorbtion and vitd3 production.

(wanna get back to a magnesium bisglycinate... i do have a magnesium orotate too)

if i take a lot of my powder mix, n have mixed it with a lot of my zinc bisglycinate, then i dont tend to take so many of the mercola zinc complex pills. but my real holding-back point on zinc is if my testicles start to ache. that's when you know you're definately getting enough+. this quantity is still keeping in mind the sort of dose of zinc one might get from a weekly serving of oysters.

i think the pau d'arco's been a massive boon to helping sort me out. methinks it's been killing off nasty infections.

now, all that is to say, i take a lot of stuff, a lot of my nutrition, not from my food. it's my suspicion that all of this could be drastically reducded, the more of my nutrition i get from my food. i'd get more of my nutrition from food if i were to A) stick to gerson protocol's juicing recommendations (only juice, never nutrient-empty water) and B) get heirloom nutrient dense vegetables grown in nutrient rich soil. so with a better arrangement of machinery to help the juicing, i'd be able to fullfil the first half of that easier, and it would save me enough energy, that i might even manage to start on a plan to implement the second part. i even wonder about an aquaponics arrangement. feed my veg with fish poop. n likely even manage to feed my fish, in part, with the discards from my juicing. lol. or at least use em for compost in a soil grow arrangement.

now it's not like i dont have a heavy duty nutrient focus in my food. i try to do a jug of my ayurvedically astute hemp milk each day, consisting of >2 tablespoons of hemp kernels, soaked dates and/or figs, fresh ginger, ceylon cinnamon, freshly ground cardamons, touch of turmeric, pepper and pink salt, and likely a shaved brazil nut or three (for the selenium), some allspice, vanilla, n whatever else i feel like jazzing it up with on a whim on the day. even with none of the extra jazz, it's super tasty with the main ingredients anyway. oh, and sometimes i put a dot of avacado oil in it, a dot of olive oil in it, a dot of borage oil in it, a dot of pumpkinseed oil in it, balancing out the omega oils with more flax seed oil (though really with all the hemp, it's pretty decent already) as they all have something good to offer, to plug a gap, but i dont wanna over-do any of them, not just for the omega imbalances... like avacado have a dark side to em, despite offering some precious omega 2, and olive oil have some shadey production practices that almost invariably leave nasties in it (yep, even when organic ~ as you should always be getting anyway). full palate satiation. i try to do gerson protocl green juicing through the day (lie, i'll tend to only get one pint) and carrot juicing through the day (likewise lie, i tend to only get a pint). and a hippocrates soup (ha, i'll be lucky to get a bowl of that a couple times a week). ... so... i have some really good stuff going on, and a lot of it not going on nearly enough. hence the desire for more/better machinery (and appetite stimulation like via thc) to really start getting on top of my health situation. ... not to undermine all the great strides i made this year.

also, worthy of note, recently i was reading up on other causes of anxiety problems, n hit upon stuff about viruses n bacteria... so that's another reason to really wanna get my health bolstered. there's probably some nasty living in me, responsible, perhaps at least in part, for my anxiety, depression, and my asthma, eczema, raynauds and scleroderma. maybe even a role in other ailments too. so with sufficient nutrition (including the likes of pau d'arco and bioactives, even silver coloid etc) they should get killed off and/or displaced, overwhelmed by a strengthening imune system, no longer over worked attacking everything including my body because it has failed to figure out wtf is going on. ... doubtless my vaccinations played a role in that too.

i suppose it's worth mentioning some stuff i avoid too... though at some point i might as well just post the epic spreadsheet i've been working on to help me map all this, so i know what foods/supplements/toxins are harmful/beneficial to which ailments/bodyparts.

so, top of my shitlist, or at least, foremost on my mind just now, since it relates to the notion of past inputs having caused these ailments:

sunflower oil.

i could lump in a whole load of other oils in with that too (except flax oil, hemp oil, coconut oil and ghee).

sunflower oil is such a fucking cunt. sorry for the expressive language, but if you've got eczema and/or asthma, stay the fuck away from this stuff like the plague. get avidly reading every ingredient, and avoid avoid avoid at all costs. same warning for rapeseed too. ... i think they call that canola in other parts. starting to realise just how much of my autoimune flare ups are from this stuff. and from any excess of omega 6, in absense of sufficient omega3... n that's just the dumb simple of it. there's other crap in there too monkeying with my health. so fuck sunflower oil. and all the other shitty oils too.

ayurvedic wisdom does keep me a little cagey on flax, not wanting to go to excess on it, or at least, rebalancing with some warm heavy thick earthyness, to appease my vata dosha. but it really is the best oil, when looking at omega 6 to omega 3 ratio. it will help readress the balance that you've doubtless been encountering from all the other foods prepped in ignorance of omega oil ratios. sticking to hemp will keep you right too, but if you then add some other omega rich oil besides these two, you're doubtless throwing things off balance again, n flax will help bring you back.

wheat. fuck wheat. too much of it everywhere. even when trying to avoid it, some of it gets past my resiliance.

sugar. fuck sugar. but not nearly as much as fuck the franken sugars. high fructose dextrose glucose syrup whatevers. it's not that some of these are even bad in and of themselves, but it's the context in which they arrive. a little bit of dextrose for example, a highly reactive and bioavailable sugar, wouldnt be so bad if it were in small quantities amidst an abundance of nutrition. is this what you find though? is this what commercial food offers it as? hell no. they offer it in an utterly nutrient-abscent nutrient-depleting arrangement, often with ill-prepared grains, laden with phytates, bam, double whammy for sucking the nutrients outta you right to the core of your bones. ... it's like they're trying to kill us.

i surely dont need to go on about aspartame again do i? i get so exhausted having to tell people about this. just go websearch it for yourself. go look into the history of how it entered the food supply, as well as the biological effects it has, especially on the brain. sneaky lil trojan nerf it is. slips past the blood brain barrier, n then splits up into 4 different types of excitotoxin. VERY nasty. worst thing in the food supply. anyone adding that addictive poison (no, it litterally is a poison, not just a toxin) to their commercial food needs re-educating, and if they still add it, they need to be taken out and behedead. no need for that kind of psychopaths in charge of our food, or in charge of anything. that kind of intent poses one of the greatest dangers to humanity that we have ever faced. utterly daunting, the thought of what that's doing to the brains of people. inhibiting their ability to learn new information, making them more subserviant to he who has the power to repeat their dogma the most often and loudest, imparing rational capacity, making people more volatile, giving excuses of tyrants to go "see, see how unruly n savage people are? they need a firm authority to keep them in line." bullshit. fuck you rumsfeld.

ack. i shouldnt have started that rant. lol. gets me so worked up thinking about it. really upsetting when i see friends gleefully chugging that shite. i'd rather they smoked 120 american spirit rolled tobacco cigs a day, than ever took one sip of something aspartame laden.

aaaanyways, what else should i have a little rant about.... och, fuck it. lets just keep it simple...

instead of needing to know your way around all the ingredients n how bad this or that is for this organ or that medical condition, how about, just that one simple rule...

if there's only one ingredient... if it is the ingredient, then you're doing alright. (organic, of course. they dont tell you what residues are on and in it, so better to have em be organic.)

that's kinda what i'm striving for now.

though of course that tends to mean (except for with fruit) that you're gonna be in charge of the food preparation.

... time to get some beasting machines to make that easy n fun.

Posted by Digit | Permalink


dramas ramble

so someone my social group on irc and myself know from previous social group arrangements online is going on a crazed intimidator rampage again. and i do mean both crazed, and intimidator.

threatening lives of some friends n such vile bilge.

it's got me off looking into the celestine prophecy's insights again, 6th insight most prominently (erm, tho, is it 4th too applies? i forget) and associated commentaries.

found some decent ones.

like this one for example:


(though i only read the intimidator portion of that, since it's what's pertinent at the moment. so dont go off with the perception i'm praising it in its entirety, especially if the rest's rubbish. lol)

been doing a lot of pondering my own too, off the back of this.

i'm not sure, even 11 years since i read the celestine prophecy, that i've yet worked out what my dominant control drama is. i see them all in me.

likely one of the passive ones. one key moment does stand out, from years before i read it, when a well respected insightful friend pointed out, with one word, my state at the time, which i was quite oblivious too, both the state/action, and the word... "aloof", so maybe it's that.

however i have many ailments n oft describe myself as "feeble". in my mind, this is a cheery glossing over, a relatively chipper quip, rather than letting it get on top of me.

but maybe that's because when i say it i've been getting other people's energy. but the flip side of this is, that i hate being asked how i'm doing, how i am. now that might be be an aversion to interogatives, but to me, the logic of it is as such: if i'm doing great, why would i want to take time out of that to answer such a mundane dull query (not to mention how much of a sludge status of consciousness it is to ask it... cant you see already?), and if doing poorly, why would i want to bring my attention to that sharn. but more than either side of that pesimistic logic gate, to make me think i'm not really doing poor-me control drama (and that i am actually just feeble with many ailments) is my reaction to the noises of sympathy i get when i actually bother to answer such interogatives with any level of honesty (rather than brushing off with the customary "fine" just to end it sooner). I hate it. it's like "yuck! get this sympathy off me. i neither need it, nor want it. keep your energy." it feels slimey and crawly. "how are you", what a shit question. i generally see no win scenario outta it. gotta crawl through mud with it.

n i wonder then if this is in some way some kind of aloof control drama... in part because i think i still dont quite understand the aloof control drama... but maybe it's not a control drama after all, n any curiosity it may provoke in others is something of genuine worth n insight... idk. i find a lot of blurred edges to it all. ... is that more indication of control drama? i still dont know. ^_^ not clueless, just, dont know how to assemble the clues. lol.

but anyhoo... control dramas... intimidator... how to deal.

i remember once, years n years back, some time around the time between school n college, me n some buddies were out at a friend's house, way out in the country, near a village, n we had gotten a jolly drunk, n went out to some other nearby party that had spilled over from a pub. one or two of our friends were a bit... um... shall we say, creatively styled. and, from this, we could tell the mainstay of that party were building up some aggression about this. cut to us lot running away from a small hoard of guys from the year or two above us at school, chasing us up a road into the night... and it just struck me... why are we bothering to run. wtf is gonna happen... so i just stopped. the hoard caught up with me... and... they seemed largely as clueless as to what to do as we were for running. i'm reluctant to even say "i talked my way out of it", because while it might have seemed that is what was happening, i think now what was happening was that i was simply no longer giving my energy to their intimidation. for all the blah blah fast talking i was doing, as the hoard surrounded me, and my friends (who were already running ahead faster than me by the time i stopped) ran off out of sight, i just gave up on engaging with the drama. like i just stood firm in present witness of the farce of it. utterly no harm came to me. so eventually i sauntered off back to my friend's house to continue our party, to find the rest of my friends still in fear, and astonishment i had made it back unscathed.

just dont let them. not by force. not by any other drama. just by firmed up presence, just consciousness rooted deep where you are now. just blow off the drama. get right past all that nonsense.

now, it's easy in hindsight to blah blah blah about doing that, but i know from having read other advices on the matter, while i was not so readily transcendent, stressed and readily under the whim of any control drama, that it's not so easy to grasp and implement. it's still always there, ready for you to sublimate to, just not so easy to see how, to grasp. like we seek for specific strategies, when it's not a strategy thing. it's like the absence of strategy, because you're not playing that game. it's not about winning, it's about not losing. easiest way to not lose, is to not play.

now there are all kinds of other "strategies" (i know, i just said it's not strategies... but i'm talking now about the game outside that game... a non-game, in a sense) swirling around my thoughts... carrying on game references... ever play pipe-dreams or similar? where there's a flood coming and you have to assemble lots of pipes to keep the flow going n not have it spill... well, kinda (and i do mean kinda... this is tenuous similarity threads here), instead of having your bucket, n dishing out your energy from your bucket, getting depleated, until you get filled again from another source, likely, if lost in that game you shouldnt bother playing, from other people, locked in that contentious escalation game of scarcity energy, consider you have access to another source... a source that's going to keep on flowing... and you can position pipes at it, direct that energy to where it needs to go. you're no longer depleating your energy. and you can fill the buckets of those who are still locked in that bucket game, not sublimating to transcendent states above it. n u can do this in ways that doesnt reward their dramas. and remember, we only really do our dramas to make up for our own lack. so once they're filled, once their buckets are filled, the they can have a better chance of breaking past that habit, easier to see, easier to engage in ways that dont get stuck in scarcity and theft patterns.

i quite like doing this. directing energy from source to somewhere.

sometimes, i find my actions, my direct open sharing of insights leads others to expectation of me. this is another subtle type of ... drain(?) ... pressure(?) ... it's an incumberance to the flow. like an excitement leads them to squeeze, not realising their choking the very thing they are eager to receive from. and it really is subtle enough to not be readily caught by their own self insights, and too subtle for me to halt proceedings and go "hey! stop that." or otherwise worded, like "excuse me, the effect that has on me is thus...". ... idk, or maybe it's not, n i should try that sometime. like the aproach in that link above, it finds ways to lay out the honesty of it, without engaging in the control drama game. not a poor-me "oh how could you do this to me" nor an interogator "dont you see what you're doing wrong?", nor an intimidator "stop doing that or else", nor an ... aloof ... "oh never mind then". (i had to think about the aloof example... still not really sure i'm doing it justice there, shakey such as my comprehension of it is).

okiepokes... i'm off to get breakfast. been up for hours n only had a cup of mint tea. tsk tsk. shudnt do that, with a vata dosha. ;)

until next digit's other blog post... cheerio. :)

Posted by Digit | Permalink



ow ow ow ow ow ow

Posted by Digit | Permalink


pre-bedroc sit-rep

just gonna jot down a quick sit-rep in the days before this next bedrock could be ariving.

last sun, we got a clearer picture of how soon we /might/ expect the next bedrock release. could be as early as this coming weeken (tho more likely end of the month, or later ~ i'm guessing).

so... my boxes:

big rig: planned for e:d (now aka "brabenspace")... so not really in this. 2nd 3008wfp monitor enroute (after delay), ordering 3rd soon. however, it may likely still get bedrocked (still has alpha4 available). ... if, after the x60t and one of the rpi are bedrocked, this box's void might get hijacked. ;)

x60t: a partitioned space was made for bedrock nyla the moment it gots it new hd, long ago at the start of the year. oh yes, no mistaking it. it ready to go. it has been ready to do this, for a hefty duration.

r-pi 1: hooked up, ran paradigm's earlier test fetch n build script on its raspbian. conveniently just a switch to hdmi, n i'm on the pi when sat at my big rig. i have a high-speed (16 arbritraries!) card i might use for a clean bedrock install from the ground up. will be fun.

r-pi 2: small card (+adapter) enroute. hopefully arives in time for the show.

netbook: yup. shall bedrock even it. will be nice to have 32bit bedrock. :)

testbox: meh, no point bedrocking it rly.

other old boxen: nahhhh. not gonna get silly trying to bedrock any ancientware.

so, unless brabenspace announces that i can land on earth, that'll be all my main boxes going from void (or freeslack (netbook)) to bedrock. void (and the trisquel and nixos before it) were only ever intended as "an exploration", a gainful filler until this bedrock release.

what am i putting /in/ those bedrocks?

hrmm. void, slack & gentoo, looks the way of it these days. for the basic solid main players at least. i'm likely to be avoiding distros that have caught the systemd infection.

soon.... it's coming... soon.

(ah good, that was better than filling irc with my yammering about it)

Posted by Digit | Permalink




oh, i've been sat here ranting in frustration to myself about it... might as well put it somewhere more than just me n those with acess to the ackashic records n the numerous spy-agencies's records have acces to it. lol.

i was thinking of that poor bugger on that bbc(3?) propaganda documentary presented by some young face-for-television party-line zombie robot happy-n-chipper moron (doubtless never spent a day of their life trying to avoid any of the neurotoxins in our environment or the food supply ~ y'know... one of those people... not yet switched on. auto(edit:REMOTE(!!))-pilot drones batted around, unwittingly doing the bidding of others including harming themselves and their loved ones and everyone else.) [[sry, that was a rather brutal one]] who espoused (i'm talking about the poor fella again now, not the presenter in the character assasination) the notion that he hated cannabis for ruining his life.

he seemed to suffer anxiety issues, much like my own. my understanding of it seemed deeper than his, but i fully accept that we only see the smallest sliver in tv... n maybe his insights were much more vast, but just never got a whiff of airtime... a utterly plausible scenario given the nature of much of the lopsided presenting on the topic [[[you guys know we get propaganda right? gov injects it's lies into our media to warp our minds, n control us.... that happens still, y'know, right? ever heard anyone say the nazi's won? it might not be totalitarianism, n it might be n the lie is that good. "keep repeating, we are free" ~_~ so, i hope we can all agree on that, so i need not try to dance that delicate dance of "dont-offend-the-propagandised-mind" pretending it's not just to you dont have one of those "mind"* programs that issue that silly state of closed mindedness n even combativeness. (lol, ""friend of foe"... wat!? only two designations!?)... *ahem* so yeah, hope you're following all my tangents... i'm getting back to it....), so, no beating about the bush to spare the sensibilities of the unwittingly (nor the willfully) ignorant... it propaganda.]] and it /was/ lopsided. ~ look, i'm just a bit *&uninteligeable&* about neuroplasticity. "worried about ya, bruv". ~ ... so the guy was blaming the herb for his anx, n it ruining his life... ok... lemme have a go at it.

in a system where we dont get to have variety sufficient to taylor WHIIIIIIICH strains of the herb, with which ratios of the cannabinoids, and other actives... well of course we're gonna be consuming the wrong cannabinoids for us. also... hey dewd, had u ever considered that maybe, those are valid anxieities~ well, some of them... more likely most of them /ARE/ from chemical imbalances in your brain... but dont let the system that has already and is continuing to mess you up, mess you up further by inducing THEIR "balance" to /YOUR/ chemical-being/body. hey buddy, you got a lot of neurons there still, start saving them, save them all... avoid those nasties that are hauntingly eating away at you... creeping you out, if only you knew from where this insideous threat was coming from... oh look... we're being poisoned with things that strip away our brain matter, leaving only the most conditioned-by-repition conditioned-by-repition conditioned-by-repitions neurons behind, meaning they who saturate the airwaves control the reality.... it gets worse as we get older... hey there young radicals.... start protecting everyone's neurons.

ahem... so, a lot of the more linear (and thus well conditioned) thinking types will consider that waffle, they likely wont hear it ~ at least not as well as more "right brained" (lol) types. ~ :P i know, i know, it's not 1/0. :P so i suppose i should at least try give them (i mean the those further in the extreme of linear/left thinking ((~the extreme right-hemisphere dominant will be off painting or dancing(lol, not rly... any half brain can be succeptable(sodontletthemtakeyourbrain)~))) a little something to go on, a nugget to springboard their curiosity (yes! they still have curiosity! how dare you suggest they dont by this outburst!!!) from**.)

take a look at the cannabinoids, and what we know about them so far. all the nuances, their interactions. it seems all agree we need to study it more. ... not just "keep studying", but "study MORE". so, *ahem* either side of the argument, it seems prudent to take the brakes off research, because the "brakes" supposedly put on widespread access to it through "prohibition", merely makes a new criminal market full of new harms, far more severe than the herb's harms which far harder to find. (cept for the propagandised, it seems (oh how i weap for humanity)).

now u might be asking... "so where's the stuff for me? i am a very ordered linear thinking individual who has been promised something, just two paragraphs ago... where is it already? there's just more waffle!". and yeah buddy, that's for you... i helped get your brain prepped looking for something, n gave you what i thought you might need more than data. "but what was it you gave then? waffle?" not tellin. haha.

~ i'd write more... but medical ailments... ~

you might be asking... what just happened to me. maybe just a dash of something like............. pseudo-non-non-reverse-non-de-un-anti-programing

* in the digital sense... that derpy black n white thinking... y'know, like a computer. programed. ones and zeros. ** even that expression wuda been too much for em.*** *** i'm a jester, if u hadnt noticed. ... thought i shoulda pointa data outta ora elsa youa mighta bea mada thinkinga ita alla toa bea takena onea hundreda percenta celeryious****. **** there's no way to follow up after celeryious.

Posted by Digit | Permalink


tv what

so a flurry(?) of tv of watcheable quality has come along this summer, just when it seemed to be drying up.

its a game changer with mr robot, overshaddowing the other otherwise quality killjoys, stitchers and dark matter.

child genius is also loads of fun.

oh and the brink! i knew i was forgetting a biggie. tim robbins has long been in my top ten fave actors, n this reaffirms his creative tallent beyond the acting.

... is that my imagination... or did an idiot abroad just show up too... no, surely that was a mistake... XD surly carl wouldnt have said yes again... so glad he did!

Posted by Digit | Permalink


the cosmos on a stick

y'know what you want, dont you?

you want the comos on a stick.

dont you... that's what you want, isnt it, the cosmos on a stick.

wheeee, wave it around, show all your friends. "look! look! i have the cosmos on a stick!"

... yes... fans of the likes of tmwrnj and fof may reccognise the idiom.

idiom? idk if that's the correct use of the word... it's not really an idiom is it. sounded nice though.

soooooo... to the point.

buckminster fuller.

om nom nom nom.

i probably started reading synergetics a while back, and it got lost, set aside in a bulk of unread pdfs, it's towering brilliance gone unoticed in the crowd, but that's fine. i'm just glad i've started reading it again now.

i've been loitering around in a mensa channel... went there because i had a question about iq scores... ended up sticking around. ... they've not kicked me out yet... either they dont mind i'm not mensa worthy, or they dont know. lol. i half suspect there's a large portion, even everyone, in the chan in a similar sub-mensa boat, lol. however, several have passed comment suggesting they appreciate my input, commenting on my wisdom. ~ i'll likely ramble about wq and other quotients in a blog post sometime, n shll refrain from that particular tangent for now... other things i wanna ramble about.

... and in that mensa channel, amidst a link containing the enthralling musings of one irc user, arose mention of buckminster fuller's synergetics.




even before getting into the full swing of it, there's such an uplifting lucidity and clarity to the writing. the sentences are somehow dense, rich in (what i'd call) medium sized words, full on, even lengthy... and yet readable. oh so readable. i get to push my envelope.... my envelope??? er... i get to push my speed reading up a notch or two. switch off "saying" the words in my mind, and just flow my eyes over it, let it be absorbed at speed. of course, this is with my anti-dyslexia colouring... and of course i have to focus and reset n go back sometimes to overcome some dyslexic jumble or just to overcome some over-eager haste... or, as perhaps seems the most comon (or at least the most noticeable n prominent), to go back and read something again slower, even out loud, just because it's so enthralling, uplifting, inspiring... ok, nice words... maybe it's more a case of "because i emphatically agree the fuck outta it".

like i say, i'm not far through it yet, just still in what feels quite "intro"ish, but already the mind is alive with it, the brain is surely lighting up all kinds of places and sequences or whatevers.

see... i have a confession to make here... and it's not an easy one to make, because it is both offensive to many, and comes across as vulgar and arrogant... so i usually suffer in silence, but this is a MMMMMMMAAAAAAASSSIVE part of my anxiety problems... i have what (as best i can fathom) is called " stultophobia ". it... is... terrifying. however, when i read this, it seems to readdress the balance somewhat. ... yes i know there are still stupid people out there. but knowing that there are also thinkers of this calibre out there really helps soothe n settle me.

... still intro-ish, lighting up the brain, yeah, that's where i was... things it's got me thinking of... a whiff of terence mckenna, who doubtless read synergetics. and i suspect it will head into very similar realms as my uncle's cobweb theory, or whatever he'll be calling it when he finally publishes.

still ringing in my ears from recent watchings... David Sinclair's talk on epigenetics, and Gerald Jay Sussman: The Role of Programming ... well worth seeking out. ... with those still ringing in my ears... today, i feel a bit of weight lifting.

... though, that weight lifting could also be from my changes in supplementation regeim. ^_^ i take a years rda of vitamin B12 per day (changed from miniscule dose of b12 amidst a multi-B). i take 15,000 IU of vitamin D3 (have done this for a while). i take a pill of ashwaganda per day (i've rly not done my homework on this one, an impulse buy). aaaand, i take a 1/5th recommendation scoop of L-Triptophan. had some excellent sleep recently. noticed the benefit to my skin and hair too. ..... aaaaand... a real biggie to me... i've been able to answer the phone about 80% of the time now. for a while i was down to about 1% and it caused me immense stress. ... before i got like that, i couldnt understand what that was, how that could be, even to the point of outright dismissing such concerns of those in such predicaments. enroute to me, is the next step in my supplementation augmentation... a cbd oil, since they threaten being stormtroopered if you attempt to medicate with another high profile cannabinoid, i've been unable to aquire this much needed supplement without causing myself absurd levels of stress dealing with the black market under threat of being locked in a room with sadists. ... not ideal means to aquire necessities of life n wellbeing. ... so anyhoo... things are starting to look up a bit... .. or maybe i'm just totally drugged out on this ashwaganda stuff and will later find out it's not a way out. ... and speaking of ways out... CBT is not it. i know the mainstream parrots love to chirp up n encourage acceptance of this perception but i've been through three bouts of CBT, and while i do acknowledge many of the insights from it have to at least play some role, i consider it a dangerous and harmful omission to persuade people it's /all/ about cognitive behaviour. ... that kind of thinking could really get one trussed up in an ever deepening hole when not realising that there are ESSENTIAL exogenous nutrients that all the CBT in the world wont make for you. ... now yes, one needs to cognitively behave and act in a planned way that will ensure one aquire's them... but that's not likely to recieve much emphasis in CBT group.

aaaaanyhooo... those in such settings (like a CBT group) are more likely to provoke my stultophobia, innerred as they usually are in the dogmas of their system, following the rails set out for them, because ((reluctantly as i accept) through no fault of their own) they lack the cognitive machinery to actually THINK adequately to challenge and construct improvements or alternatives. ... annoyingly some are so gifted, and yet dont. ... it's those that some righteous indignified jostling can do some good for... but often so hard to tell them from those who genuinely are incapable. ... n that's a sad thing to confront, coming from an egalitarian place where we're all worthy of achieving inspired genius thoughts with similar ease. ... but it's ok, my egalitarianism isnt the dumb kind that dictates we must all be equal throughout in all aspects. no. that's absurd, indeed. such like the core message i took from forrest gump... even an iq of 70 n you can be of great worth. we're all worthy. some aspects or actions might not be so worthy, but there's nothing in that to add weight to vulgar claims any of us need to be discard. just some ideas.

ideas can be thrown around. as they should be. shared, spread, modified, evolved, examined etc etc etc. ideas are not people. you are not your ideas. do not make that conflation.

yesterday, was a day full of that. from a mycologist expert getting upity like HE was under threat when a questioned about various aspects, or if certain texts had been read... to a drama flareup where innocent questions prompted a fight-of-flight response. this is what happens when we conflate and entangle ourselves in identifying with that which is not us... and in a sense, that's a fair thing to do, because it's all us, we're all one, the cosmic gestalt, so to speak. ... but there are still nuances. important nuances, which help aleviate such silly difficulties. psychology is funny stuff. the biological defendor at the base of our brain at the back, it's great, but sometimes we can do more in the crinkly byzantine upper complexity to feed it better perceptions, when to fear, when to fight. easier said than done, right? self reflection's such a boon. having a laugh, not taking yourself so seriously, seeing yourself as a naive child of the cosmos, not some serious poe faced adult, really is so massively important.

krishna said arrogance is the only folly.

... or maybe... idk, i never met the guy in person when he was alive... cos i was something like 5000 years later to be born. but someone said he said something like that. and it's bloody good. mull it over for a while. test it out. check it against whatever other doctrines and spiritual rulebooks. ten commandments or whatever. it all rolls back to arrogance.

one cannot continue assimilating more information, accumulating more knowledge, to better draw one's picture of the world, when one thinks one knows all there is, or even, thinking someone else knows all there is to be known n giving up learning more thinking nothing new can be learned.

the cosmos is not so flat, as not just the likes of buckminster fuller will depict, but i suggest that same truth comes screaming out all the louder from garett lisi's multi-dimensional subatomic construct.

anyhoo... i'll leave the ramblings for now... n get back to reading more synergetics.

ps, also on my list of books i want to glomp, is sussman's structure and interpretation of classical mechanics. ... hopefully i can keep all this new enthusiasm in check such that it doesnt become manic and rajasic, leading to tamas n burnout. ... ommmmmm. steady, steady. ;)

Posted by Digit | Permalink


what a day

so... i wake up, setting off for zlotrimi.

didnt realise it was gonna be DAY. DAAAAY.


serious. DAY with a capital DAY!

been spouting about it on many an irc chan ... indeed for an irc inhabitant such as myself (i know, unhealthy, right?), where else would it happen... but thought i'd need to pin a lil marker somewhere for this one.

ok, so... zlotrimi...

i hadnt' even got there before the bombshell went off... oh wait, that's right, let me back up a bit...

there was a report of a fireworks factory warehouse exploding ... or something like that, just last night (and again today for those who missed the spectical).

that is what has just happened to me too though.

ok, so, last night i hatch my plan for today, to head out to zlotrimi, an old fave far out outpost... i mean, not stupid far far out... but far enough to reasonably be called one of the farthest out places of big population, one of the places marking the edge of the populated area.

beautiful place. one side, civilisation. the other, the frontier... well.. not quite... still quite the gradient of lesser populated settlements tapering off for quite a ways... but i suppose that's still quite frontierish.

so.... i'm chatting away in irc as i make my way there, pleased i have the juicy equip irl getting me there, having spent upward of a grand so far just getting the machine up to spec to deal with doze and e:d and its steeeupid dependancy that meant my awesome (but old) graphics card couldnt do the business. :/ so anyway...

making my way there, when i am informed planetary landings are not expected soon.


y'know, crazy shit started happening way before that today... just that was the big one for me.

that's a plan changer.

a plan changer, landed upon the freshly enacted highly controversial and expensive prior plan, that effectively puts the monstrous expense on hold!

yeah... waiting likely until next year for planetary landings (and having to pay more once it comes) is too long for me.

i was under the impression that the "release" meant these features were to follow in swift succession.

i have seen too much too soon! i made the decision ages back, when faced with the fork in the road to either engage with the development n make sure its done right but then dispell the magic by having peeked under the curtain, or to avoid knowing anything as much as possible until jumping into the full featured e:d world... i chose the latter.

i had caught glimpses of it of course on friend's machines and they all thought i was mad for not playing... with or without overlooking that it involves installing a operating system platform that i find abhorrent and rendering a much loved n highly poweful n customised machine a joke, infact not only that, but i had to spend a fortune getting it up to spec too, lol. (holy shit windoze is such a painful joke! people just dont know! born to captivity!)... mad for not playing... no way... elite is and always has been my #1 fave game(series) ever since first playing frontier, first encounters, the third in the series... the one just prior to this... all of about 19 years ago now is it? .... that's a big thing... i mean... not only was it number one for me... it effectively nullified gaming for me. sure i got hooked on diablo2 for a while, and have had spats of fun on various games here n there, oft more out of some nightmare pavlovian puppetry than a genuine joy, admiration and appreciation for the game and playing it... but it basically signalled the end of me being "a gamer", as in, someone who plays games, likely extensively. because i didnt want to play games. i wanted to play elite. why would i need others?

so on the way to zlotrimi, i find out no planets, long time. bam. not gonna play ... was the slow blade's resonant squeal as it slowly pierced sideways through my brain and mind.

i wish i could tell you what the other things were that already had this day on high... but that one put a lot of ... erm... what's that thing called again, when you've been flashbanged and cant hear... it was like that.


main workstation back to my nixen... er... after MUCH fafing around with cables. looked like it wasnt gonna go for a while, since i had had to change cables around to put doze in it (bought a new hd for doze, didnt i, silly me).

alas, my 4tb external's rather under the weather... to put it mildly. ... in the opperating theartre right now. we're hoping she can pull through. she has her whole life ahead of her, and one botched fsck with the wrong setting a while back when the problems started only made matters worse for the poor dear. ... so that's my cinema drive that had been merged with some backups, and some other stuff, and some other stuff and some more stuff, more than 99% of which i cant remember wtf it was, even ball park, though no doubt important. ... there's guts flying everywhere out the opperating theatre door, so... who knows, we shall see.

erm... what else was there...

oh, spose my inability to get my lil 240ssd to reinitialise is a little concerning too. (see, it's not just one firework that went off... there was a loud boom, yes, n that kinda overshadowed the rest a bit, but there's loadsa rockets flying everywhere from that main boom... see how close fit it is for the news event of fireworks factory warehouse explosion? hehe, well, not that close... there appears to be mutliple sources of booms here... but i wont let that get in the way of me bringing it up again, lol).

there was more stuff since, too... straining to recall at the moment, still in shock from this radical change of plans for the year... i thought i was on holiday in elite:dangerous for months there... now in the space of about a minute, i learned, and in the space of an hour i enacted, the cestation of elite activities until .... planetary landings... whenever that is, however many hundreds of days that is to go.

bright side is of course, yay! linux back on my computer! no windoze! yay!

sad i have two not-rly-working bedrocks though... lol... just realised. wanna be running bedrock on both main machines... but have fallen back to vsido on both. ^_^ okies, sry, this not my nix blog.

oh, er, yeah, my uncle left to go back home this morning too... one of my very top fave relatives, so that's a bit of a blow to the system too.

there's at least four other noteworthy events today too, but they've rather escaped me... still reeling from the... wait, have i said this already?

sry, i am rather out of sorts with the headspin from today.

well anyways, i'll scamper onward. if you're reading this... wtf is up with you? XD go find something worthy!

hah. i dont even remember if i set this blerg up for personal sharn, or thought sharn... if thought sharn, then here, fuck it, here's some thought sharn for ya:

if constrained to purpose, then misses portions of the picture.

Posted by Digit | Permalink


placebo ignorance revelation

one night i found myself with a bit of a headache, that could have been a migraine coming on, and looking at the first result for "ginkgo biloba", not having any cannabis, nor wanting a trip out to find mushrooms for a trip, both effective cures, the only effective cures, n not wanting to polute myself with more pharmaceutical painkillers which are 90% placebo anyway and make asthma worse in the long run, and in this article it had mention of one not-even-single-blind nor control-grouped'd study from 2009 which said it reduced the number of migraines... n i went for it....

chopped up a bigger than normal dose into half a cup o herbal tea i had left from before having a siesta, not wanting to look any further for any data that might be contrary to this firt tenuous find. i was amidst a willful placebo. a willful ~dare i say~ ignorance. and it struck me...

... what if this is what folks are doing all the time when it comes to new information... protecting their psyche, and preventing psycho-somatic ills from embracing disquiettening new data?

things like the government is a global crypto fascist monster throwing us all under the bus, enslaving humanity, or the miriade of smaller portions to that, from fluoride in toothpaste to keeping a perpetual war going as george orwell depicted.

Posted by Digit | Permalink


soffmi muhod - opsyem released 14 07 07


soffmi muhod releases new album 7th day of the 7th month of the 14th year.



available to download

Posted by Digit | Permalink


first dob post

captain's log, stardate, ... idk what the stardate is... maybe i should use unix epoch instead. ... though i dont know that either.

i've got a new blog!

this one is to catch all the things i want to rant and ramble about, that (probably) arent related to nix, and not all that well suited to posting to some forum... where i prefer to live... cos forums are about the conversation. blogs are all too "me me me", n i'm not really into that ego inflating guff (tho no doubt will succumb to that here n there). ^_^


... hrmm, ok, i suppose i dont really have anything to say for this first one. ^_^ just a quick test n wave and "hi", to confirm THE GAME IS ON!

... from here on, expect an eclectic(?) mix of inane uninteresting personal stuff, and awe inspiring ideas to change the world for the better. ^_^

also, expect excessive use of "..." and liberal misuse of spelling and grammar. ;) ... and other abuses of punctuation, and dyslexic moments. (only mildly dyslexic)

in other housekeeping news:

hopefully the autoformat wont botch too many newlines, and stuff will stay pleasantly readable. ... i will be meddling with the css... not to something as austere and minimal as my nix blog, but something in between likely. :)


Posted by Digit | Permalink

Thu Jun 2 20:48:35 EDT 2005

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