20180625

29 letters i didnt send to stewart lee

[2018-06-25 20:14:27] *** Users on ##dearstewartlee: @Digit

[2018-06-25 20:14:28] *** ##dearstewartlee modes: +ns *** ##dearstewartlee was created on 2018-06-25 19:10:20 [2018-06-25 20:16:40] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, i would like to be a comedy writer, for you. i thin k i could write good; for you. i reccognise that self satire is the only worthy satire left, and if w3 could somehow satirise ourselves, selfishly, that might just be the final loop, and all comedy would tighten, collapsing in on itself like the diamond singularity nugget of mirth derived enlightenment. [2018-06-25 20:17:11] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, you have a moustache. why dont you use it. [2018-06-25 20:18:07] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, they dont know what you're talking about about half the time. i'm not sure it to remedy this, you need to talk twice as much, or half. [2018-06-25 20:18:47] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, i would like to be a comedy writer, for you. repeitition's comedy. [2018-06-25 20:18:49] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, i would like to be a comedy writer, for you. repeitition's comedy. [2018-06-25 20:19:43] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, well you can make anything sound funny, no matter what you read, so long as you read it in the way that makes it funny. [2018-06-25 20:20:13] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, is suspect you know what i'll be writing in this letter to you, so i wont bother. [2018-06-25 20:20:51] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, thankyou for receiving all my letters, for all these many many seconds. have you got a wrist watch, or a pocket watch? [2018-06-25 20:23:04] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if you ate a sandwich, and it started getting digested, fueling your organs and circulatory systems and bioelectrical systems, and you were performing on stage, would you be obliged to include in the credits,,, the brand of the shop from which you bought the sandwich [2018-06-25 20:23:58] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if you ate a sandwich, and it started getting digested, fueling your organs and circulatory systems and bioelectrical systems, and you were performing on stage, would you be obliged to include in the credits,,, the shop staff from whom you bought the sandwich? [2018-06-25 20:24:19] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if you ate a sandwich, and it started getting digested, fueling your organs and circulatory systems and bioelectrical systems, and you were performing on stage, would you be obliged to include in the credits,,, the staff who make the sandwich? [2018-06-25 20:25:56] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if you ate a sandwich, and it started getting digested, fueling your organs and circulatory systems and bioelectrical systems, and you were performing on stage, would you be obliged to include in the credits,,, the companies involved in the productions and sales of the ingredients who make the sandwich? [2018-06-25 20:26:31] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if you ate a sandwich, and it started getting digested, fueling your organs and circulatory systems and bioelectrical systems, and you were performing on stage, would you be obliged to include in the credits,,, the staff involved within the companies involved in the productions and sales of the ingredients which made the sandwich? [2018-06-25 20:29:09] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if you ate a sandwich, and it started getting digested, fueling your organs and circulatory systems and bioelectrical systems, and you were performing on stage, and you farted, would you be obliged to include in the credits,,, the audience who have smelled your fart,,, where it got sufused through their lungs, re-tuning their organs/circulatory../bioelecetr.. [2018-06-25 20:31:19] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, have you ever farted on stage?,,, how long did it last?,,, describe the smell. was there follow through? which key? did it receive applause? did it receive awards? did it recieve a laugh? [2018-06-25 20:33:06] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, when i wrote to you last, i mentioned farting. can you read a letter about farting, to yourself, or out loud to others (or to yourself), with a timing suitable for provoking what can seem like an optimal amount of humour? [2018-06-25 20:35:13] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, when i wrote to you last, i mentioned a previous letter about farting, and enquired about your capacity for comedic timing. you didnt read it with a rythm and cadence that would provoke the appearance of optimal humour quantity. why is that? [2018-06-25 20:36:59] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, when there's nothing left but the shadow of the last satire's ghost leaving where once a stage was, will you still feel compelled to keep trying to find the next level with neither meditation nor psychedelics? [2018-06-25 20:39:40] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, lee camp called john oliver a shill, and the next episode of john oliver's last week tonight with john oliver was not on my usual provider last night. who would call you a shill? and why? and what would be the equivalent mystereous dubiously-corelated consequence? [2018-06-25 20:40:37] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, and richard herring, does it bother both of you when your names are placed not alphabetically? [2018-06-25 20:43:24] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, and richard herring, only one of you has used your facial hair for comedic purposes. what a shame it had not been the other one. then at least it would have been absurd. richard, you should change your last name to wolf. ... no, not because you are/were hairy. no. you should also change your middle name to "the boy who, for purposes of jovial novel absurdity, cried" [2018-06-25 20:43:42] <@Digit> dear stewart lee. [2018-06-25 20:45:05] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if i left you in a can, in the woods, overnight, with a can-opener, would you be able to come up with a punchline for this joke? [2018-06-25 20:45:13] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if i left you in a can, in the woods, overnight, with a can-opener, would you be able to come up with an opening line? [2018-06-25 20:45:55] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, if i left you in a can, in the woods, overnight, with a can-opener, would you be able to come up to my tree house where we have more people in cans, singing little songs about more people in cans, singing little songs about more people in cans, singing little songs about worms [2018-06-25 20:46:53] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, when we met, in 2025, did you know it was me who was writing these letters when we will meet when i will be writing these letters from the time you never knew of me for at least a couple decades earlier than that even...? [2018-06-25 20:48:55] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, you peowobably have important things to do, so i will be brief. just one important question. maybe two. did you interprete peowobably as the word probably, and did it slow you down a little? and did that count as one or two questions, and was it important? [2018-06-25 20:49:23] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, i've run out of steam, can i get a plug? [2018-06-25 20:49:37] <@Digit> dear stewart lee, what's next?

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180618

stupid

really sticks in my craw just now, that dad waited until after the farm was sold, to tell me it breaks his heart that neither son took over the farm.

what a fucking idiot.

1, for waiting until it was sold to tell me how much that meant to him. what a fucking idiot.

2, what does he think would have happened if he had just given me the farm. ... i'd have taken it over, become a farmer.

what a fucking idiot.

i fucking hate that guy.

not just for the life ruining beating that i still have ptsd for, n live in my one room, with the door baracaded, in fear of him, tensing up, not knowing when the next unexpected beating will come (it only took the 1).

what a fucking idiot.

what else has been held back?

what caused him to not ever share how much that meant to him?

was it mum? was mum for some misguided reason encouraging/insisting he not say this to me?

breaks his heart... what a fucking idiot.

infuriating communication fail.

makes me wonder what that beating was even about, as i have many times over the years. maybe there was a reason given at the time, i dont remember, no one ever remembers why they were physically punished, only that they took a beating, n that's the lesson they take from it. physical punishment does not work. i suspect there was other psychology going on with him at the time he dished out that beating. i perhaps most frequently suspect it was something to do with my difficulties in early puberty, coping with that estrogen flux boys get, but not sure how i'd ever get that confirmed. infuriating communicatins fails in this family. maybe that beating was in furstration at me not wanting to be a farmer.

i would love to be a farmer.

fucking idiot.

i just have never had the fortitude for the amount of physical labour n exposures, and this was fairly obvious from childhood.

all that physically forking in silage that used to be done... i cant do that. that's what i saw farming as, that's all they ever showed me of it. that, and shifting cows from feild to feild. way to get me engaged n inspired to be a farmer. farce.

oh to be a hemp farmer. i would so relish the chance.

n it's not like the farm's so small it couldnt be done by hiring people to look after it.

heck, i'd even open it up community gardens style, for a few of the feilds less suited to big machinery doing planting n harvesting.

but that's all gone now.

the fucking idiot sold it, THEN tells me how much it meant to him.

i only learned of this, as a whataboutism defensive kneejerk response to.... i forget what i was saying to him... probably trying to explain how much it hurt to have them have coaxed me away from focussing on my health into designing a house at great pains for 3 years refining with the architect, setting my health back decades, and then to force me under duress, to say yes to a redesign that inverts all the life-affirming design elements, while pretending to be offering what changes to refine it, wearing me down, coerced under duress to agree to ... well, my death. as i told them repeatedly then and since. trying to explain all that, in a capsule form, is not easy, but i think i mananged it that one day... if it was indeed that. n instead of trying to engage in compassion with what that was i was saying to him, i got that reactionary hostile angry whataboutism, something along the lines of "well what about how neither son took over the farm, that broke my heart".

how long had that been bottled up? how was that not the topic of conversation every meal time, back when i could sit n have meals with them... fucking idiot. instead, lets wait until its sold, n then mere weeks after it's sold then tell ... fucking idiot.

so pissed off at the fucking stupidity of that. what epic fail.

and now the farm's gone. out of the family.

that does sting.

no, i never intended to be a farmer. i was raised on the idea that farming was endless hours of manually forking in silage, breaking backs, in an environment that induces asthma and eczema. i never intended to be a back-broken itchy wheezer prone to being kicked or crushed by cow or bull. i never intended to expose myself to that much hard work, and danger, for fuck-all pay... is how it seemed to me. and no one ever seemed to try to dispell this perception. fucking idiots. where was the "oh, no son, not at all, farming is lovely..." fucking idiots. boggles the mind.

what the fuck is wrong with them? how did they let it come to pass like this? some of it, i can look at, n it looks like the most vicious calculated sadism, n other parts of it, it's just fucking stupid. so fucking outrageously stupid. like take a step back, look at it fresh... oh, that's fucking stupid. why would you ever do it like that? it's fucking stupid. so stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid. fucking idiotic. head crushingly so. mind implosions at the stupidity.

rage inducingly stupid.

is that where my rage comes from? putting up with inscesant stupid abounding all around? i suffocate in the stupid.

or maybe my rage comes from the traumas, the beatings, the being the bottom wrung on the family that all beat on, n me being the bad guy when i tried to fight back. i was big on picking things up n throwing them, or using something that could keep those larger stronger attackers at bay.

it probably all felt all the more innocent n harmlessly normal at the time. looking back, i see what criminal torture it was. never realised at the time how not normal, how unacceptable, that was. not until my friends, oft fellow youngest siblings, would point out things like how they got same sized presents come christmas n birthdays, to their older siblings, which contrast to my experience of always getting the smaller crapper older versions of any presents. i'm not sure the fucking idiots knew the psychelogical damage they were doing, what they were implanting and reaffirming repeatedly with that, constantly.

when i remember this, i dont beat myself up so much for the rages, for the outbursts, the overwhelmed overloads that cause maladaptive coping reactions. like that time i knocked my brother out, infront of his kids. that was not good. but when i remember it in the context of all that had past transpired, and the torture i was going through at the time... it's easier to have compassion for me, n not just condemn me, to acknowledge the broader causes, the psychelogical strains, the past traumas n wounds, and not to mention the outright needing to listen to myself n when i know i'm not fit for going out, not to push it in some nonsensical delusional cultural expectation bullshit "oh, i must, because mum urged, n they need to see me, n i need to see them, n blah blah blah". no. fending off panic attacks n rages... that was way too much to try to sit there n play happy family, with the people who had fucked up my life so bad that by the time i was about 14, i had decided i was gonna kill myself. by the time i was 17, it was already done in my mind, just waiting for the right circumstances, n i would be gone, poof, like an accident, n no one need known how much i was suffering, no one need have that extra pain of realising they'd not known how much i was suffering or how much they played roles in causing that suffering. ... of course, then i found cannabis, thanks to "if i'm going to die anyway...", still deluded by the anti-drug propaganda we got in school. if it had been heroin... eesh. thankfully it was cannabis, n it gave me the space to think through my problems. litterally saved my life. twas only about the 3rd or 4th time trying cannabis that i realised it had helped me in that regard. over the months n years following, i grew to learn it was helping with many other ailments too. found the urge, the need, to live, n to help undo the nonsense that held this essential away from everyone.

how better the world could be if we took the brakes off cannabis. how much can be healed. how many fucking idiots would have the space to think, to stop being fucking idiots. if we took the brakes off the herb.

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180606

new soffmi

woohoo!

new soffmi muhod album released today!

https://soffmimuhod.bandcamp.com/album/the-enthusiast

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180605

why are you not scared?

as is mentioned on the Why section on freepo.st, specifically the paragraph about privacy: you become constantly watched by somebody who can do pretty much whatever they want with your personal data, because you've "agreed" with the "license agreement" that they can. This is by very far the most serious argument that people seem not to understand, because they always say "so what? What I'm doing with their service is of little value anyway!".

and then, not only anything with your data, but those with "above the law" power over you...

why are you not scared?

were we not supposed to have various things set up to prevent such predicaments?

why has an agreement under duress become considered an agreement?

why are you not scared?

is it because you look around and see loads of other people not scared?

why are they not scared?

are you a lemming?





are you a lemming?

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180604

i confess

im gonna watch one day at a time... just for rita. oh my goodness she so yummy! (or at least was on last night's last week tonight with john oliver).

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180603

what arrogance to believe

what arrogance to believe.

over time, with consideration of broadening perceptions and conceptions of witnessings of contexts, any belief encountered, in that context(s), cannot really hold.

no belief, stands, after consideration.

do i believe that?

no.

does that mean i disbelieve that?

no.

for what is disbelief than believing it is not. a mere rephrasing. it's not boolean, it's not 1/0, it's not black/white, it's not on/off, it's not purely one thing OR the other. is it not?

do i really believe that?

no.

does that mean i disbelieve that?

no.

is this conception difficult to grasp? is this perception difficult to step into?

for those who cling to beliefism, perhaps likely as a result of their conflating their beliefs with their self/life/existence, such that their lower survival brain stem kicks in loud before the consideration can even take place, i would imagine generally seemingly so. very difficult.

letting go belief, for a moment, the universe does not collapse into callamity, your life n behaviours dont suddenly get thrown into the wildest widest chaotic dangerous random psycho hell. it doesnt happen, it doesnt work like that, get over yourself, your belief is not what was holding everything together, you are not your beliefs. let go. you arrogant fool. arrogant, self-blinding, self-deluding, fool. and i love you. there's no condemning judgement for you having been doing this. it is foolish. and i'm not condemning or judging you when i say that. the thought occurs, i wonder how i even could? if i've decoupled from belief, i've not decided in brief, not closed the doors to all other possibilities in my arrogance to decide what i percieve is what i must believe... if that is so how you decide to believe.

maybe for some to believe is a softer more maleable thing. like for some a rare drink containing alcohol with an ocassional meal is just that, and it does not become a more dominant life shaping force.

it's surely quite addicting, to believe, to get that endorphin kick of ever being right... if that's how you then double down on your belief or if it's just that initial.

some might use the word belief to refer to "think likely", or some kind of supposition, but still all the while holding true to their belief that they could also be wrong, n that the probabilities are too weak in favour of any certainty.

but is this really belief? is it really non-belief? are these questions help goad your thoughts to the ideas and insights that transcend the boolean? even though they're worded, embeded in the language of this way or that, of yes/no, of is, is not, and so on?

well you'll need that training, that challenge, to transcend that. stepping away in humility from the arrogance of believing does not mean in your meekness you'll also be weak. you need to get tooled up. ;) let's whimsically say, "there be dragons", lol.

outside of curated belief systems, there's sure many more interesting nuance to be encountered than likely either of us are likely to imagine... i mean, there's always more. like setting sail out on the ocean of mind. and did i mention getting you tooled up, yes? how about we get you not just a sail, but some paddels, and an outboard engine, and more, much much more. life jackets, themeselves fully kitted out. well, i say fully... obviously what i'm getting at here, is the continuing augment.

open to more.

when you close, when you presume to know, when you believe, when you decide what's what, you miss more. sometimes that's even a conscious functional decision. more often, i suspect, it's unconscious habituation, and entrained habituation, and trained habituation... none of it inate, none of it highest ideal, none of it humbliung yourself to continue opening to more. and no, it's not about opening your mind to catch all thoughts as beliefs, that's you back to making foolish conflations again.

the tricky thing of this to explain, for me to express, with my aptitude n ineptitude, is, it is itself is sticky, is weighted, is attractive, n like i said, addictive, as well as also being already entrenched in the language, and all the many entrainments. what, did you think i believe myself above this, to have fully transcended out of belief, with all my advocacy of non-belief? hey, if it helps, this is the blind leading the blind here. i'm just another blind man grabbing at this portion of the elephant.

n the elephant is.

now i hope you've noticed my increased use of the word is there. is is key.

is.

the is.

that what is.

that which is.

the is which is.

it's beyond any of our utterings about it.

some of us strive to catch it. to catch the is.

great many overlapping layers and angles of philosophy, into religions, sciences, and more.

the is is beyond our utterings of the is.

or is it.

is the is, responsive...

now you've been present for someone offering some notion of is, n is, the is, n that is notion is is not, you might be feeling a little incredulity, or curiosity, or... what are you feeling...

...

what are you feeling?

that is.

now what else is going on out in the world?

in the cosmos?

that bit before your conceptions of what that is, is like a glimpse into the is.

you cant catch it.

it simply is.

you can believe, but then you deceive.

ths is sits beyond your belief.

it simply is.

what about reality?

am i not just saying "is" in a janky replacement way for referencing "reality"?

well, kinda yea, kinda nae, kinda some of what you say.

but, well, i've vague distant memories of looking into the etymology of "reality", and "real", and it being some loopy case of that arrogant belief preceeding reality projectioning, that reaffirmation of the arrogant self, rather than the open responsive self... i mean, the writer writes, but the believer believes not, if that makes sense... like once the chips are thrown... well, no, i mean, maybe the chips can be unthrown, but...



ugh this is really akward to explain.

14 years since my eurika "is"ness insight moment, and i still struggle this much to convey such a simple conception in words to people.

ideas, exist beyond words.

some, who i imagine have higher verbal aptitudes (or are just more gullably susceptable), believe if you cannot conceive of a word you cannot hold a thought. this is not my experience, but i do again see there's more folly in the defaulting use of belief there, rather than what's being believed.

now, some might read this n think what arrogance to believe not.

exactly.

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180603

cookies

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Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180602

fistpuncher

fistpuncher

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180531

gaia

very excited for the gaia space project to watch a billion stars. :)

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180512

omigosh ys

with the last word... omigoshed.



"children".



looking forward to tbbts12.

and onward.

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180511

where

if you go all directions,

do you go no where?

do you grow?

be.

as.

do you know?

are you not there?

do you go all directions?

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180429

ey

ye know what...

them radiohead chaps...

they're quite competent in their creative musical endeavors.



he says understatedly.

appropriately.



revisiting them after (it seems) having not listened to them for years.



i remember now.



kid a.



and...



omg...



amnesiac.





heh. that's probably some subconscious cue that lead me to put them on, this being the day i woke up a bit amnesiac.





time to be well, in lush audio waves.

thanks radiohead.

i might actually buy some of yer stuff some day.



tho i am likely to just go straight back to listening to almost exclusively soffmi muhod.

i know. it's such a deviation.

but, i suspect, radiohead (with kid a (and amnesiac)), like soffmi muhod, were born of inspiration from boards of canada's music has the right to children.



ok... that's what i'm putting on next. it might help cue more reconnected memories. :)

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20180417

not random

did i mention

it is not random.

not random.

no.

random, in other words, mearly being an expression of our inability to either comprehend or convey the pattern.

like belief, and disbelief.

conflations of leaping to certainties prematurely.

closes off to more data. more learning.

more info for the map.

and you do map.

and it is not random.

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20170413

certain to stir

so... i suppose i wont be able to help but have this post consist of a lot of rant about maximus, the dwp, and the assaultment.



it's not nice being put through that torture, on top of the torture of various ailments faced all day every day already.



very gestapo, but with even more mind blowing sureal absurdity, which only adds to the inhumane cruelty of it.



imagine this...



so there you go, driving in to the meeting, have an anxiety attack enroute, n so responsibly park at the earliest convenience to avoid risking road accidents. you've been through this assessment process once before, but last time they came to you, on account of your difficulties getting out of the house, notably severe social anxiety. but since they hold the purse strings on the income you depend on for the necessities of life and combatting your ailments, and since you cant use phones thanks to your social anxiety to arrange otherwise, you capitulate, and strive at great effort and risks to get there to the assessment. as you arrive, instead of any sembelence of consideration for your condition, you get shouted at, and made to wait pointlessly. then when let in, it's continued abraisive contempt and impatient curt interupting of your answers. it could just be chalked up to some outrageously clumsy bureacratic neglegence from the top... until then comes the question that follows after the question about self harm and suicide.



"why havent you killed yourself yet?"



yes. that really is what you get asked in these dwp/maximus work capability assaultments.



so there's your smoking gun for it being a cull.



https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_euthanasia



though, euthanasia, even involuntary euthanasia, containing the word euthanasia, suggests there's some kind of mercy on their part. there's no mercy to their cull of the sick & poor.



i dont know if they're trying to do it just by the pure numbers, or if they have some notion of achieving greater genetic purity or some other totalitarian lunacy. the numbers dont even seem to add up. not that it should at all ever be reduced to just the numbers. these are peoples lives, their rights.



"why havent you killed yourself yet?" is an outrageously inapropriate thing to ask someone with mental health problems.



fuck you maximus, the dwp, and the conservative party.

...



i had read back through my old posts in this blog. i had forgotten how well i was doing in 2015, how much ground i had managed to recover... oh how horrendously far i've fallen since that first assaultment.

i dare say i'm about the worst health i've ever been. worse even than when i needed to be rescued and taken back home the first time, ending my college days, and as it turns out, signalling the start of a long time as a fulltime feeble incumbered with multiple debilitating ailments. so, in hindsight, bye bye career in the arts, sciences, education, whatever those lofty ideas my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles all thought was to be in my life story. nope. life of feeble.

but lets not present that like i'm worthless.

lets not present the idea that people can be considered worthless.

all life.

so i'm not going to sit here and try to come up with all the evidence of my life being worthy, so i can present it in my case as i pleed for my life to the government.

i dont want to validate that scenario.



we shouldnt need go through that.



indeed we have laws against that sort of thing.



duty of care.



human rights.



laws against assault, and forcing someone to commit suicide (that's called murder ~ and doing it lots of times as policy and proceedure, is mass murder).



calums list is too long.



they have to be stopped.



new systems (or even the old system) need put in place.



supposedly some of the argument put forward why we needed to conjure this system was to take the burden off the National Health Service, and the General Practitioners, from all those incapacity benefits claimants needing a note from them.



.... aaaaand the system we have now is somehow better and more cost effective? how???



nope, costing more.



causing harm. making ailments worse, putting greater burden on NHS and GPs. costing more.



but i suppose if you just kill off all the sick & the poor... .... see if that's how dirty nasty n evil this is being played... do we have anyone on our side playing that nasty? someone go break theresa may's legs, and put her through some psychelogical torture that would give her PTSD... y'know a combination of ailments that pretty much precludes her from being seriously considered "fit for work", and have her be put through the mill of this nightmare.



i rly dont like those sorts of violent suggestions, but so stressed, that's some kind of mal-adaptive coping mechanism, or something like that, i forget quite how my shrink put it.



... been watching better call saul. it's back on. lots of stuff in that gets me thinking, about my ailments, about isolation, about other people's interactions with people with ailments that call for special consideration... it's good stuff.



such things, are a form of therapy in their own right.



and comedy.



endorphins n such, are healing.



difficult at times with depression.



n also difficult to keep taking all the supplements and doing all the activities i'm supposed to for my health, with depression, which makes the depression worse... black hole. rough.



so... fuck the dwp, maximus and the conservative party.



fraudsters and murderers.

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20161221

anx note

was doing not to bad. i dare say my anxiety was even at 0/10!

then got phonecall.

a PHONECALL!

phone anxieties a big stumbling block for me these days. so now i'm struggling to keep an anxiety attack away.

piling on the CBD and anti-anx tinctures. ack, forgot to take my ashvagandha this morning too, since my anxiety was so abscent, like it's normally present enough to remind me i need to take something.

jeez i hate that.

i'm going back to not picking up.



and god damn fuck you guys for making me pick up. take a fucking message. this is not good for health. already breaking out in fresh rashes. not to mention that neck spasm thing i get.

fucking horrbile.



my sympathies to anyone else experiencing anxiety problems.



fucking horrible dark thoughts i get when like this.

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20161221

machines of wellbeing

so, 2016 was a year of health challenges and rising to em. i intend to continue this on into 2017 (despite a dire prediction from a chinese horoscope graph).



as such, i'm looking at getting a veg prep machine, or maybe just a manual dicer, to help me get past those low-energy lazy moments when i dont bother making my healthy foods n juices.



or maybe even just a better juicer. my current masticating juicer has the advantage of being a masticating juicer, so it preserves more of the enzymes n nutrients, n produces juice that oxidises less rapidly than a choppy centrifugal one. but it does have a narrow feeding apperture, and i cant just throw whole carrots n other things in it. it takes a lot of veg prep. especially when i'm adhering to the full gerson protocol. so while a centrifugal one might not be so ideal, it would at least reduce the amount i laze out n skip, presuming it has the advantage my old one had, in that i could just throw whole carrots in.



aaaaand i'm even looking to robot coupe tech for this. both for the juicer, and/or the vegetable prep machine. big money. money which i dont have, or at least wont, until some time around april. .... maybe sooner if i get brutal on saving every penny.



having cannabidiol is a big help in most* regards.



* doesnt help so much with keeping my pathetic appetite up. tetrahydrocannabinol (and i presume others (and in combination with others) in the cannabinoid family)'s the real benefit for me there.



but juicing's been a big help in getting enough nutrition in me. i still imagine i've got the ravages of my old dr pepper addiction imparing me, even imparing my nutrient uptake, even though it was over a decade ago, and the cells and organs of my body will have replaced themselves, oft several times over. the harm patterns got set in. n so, maximising nutrient exposure's one of my key focusses. not only do i juice, but also take a lot of supplements.



current daily supplement pill-fest, if i take everything (which i usually fall short of) looks like:

2-6 5000 iu vitamin d3 *

2-8 mercola whole food multivitamin.

1-3 krill oil.

1-2 tocomin suprabio vitamin E (containing all 8 vitamin e types, ie, all 4 of both tocopherols and tocotrienols)

1-3 green pasture blue ice royal butter oil / fermented cod liver oil blend

1 400mg triple magnesium

1-4 mercola zinc complex

1 nature's plus source of life garden whole food vitamin k2 (m7)

2 swanson olive leaf extract, 75mg oleuropein

2-4 pau d'arco 500mg

2-3 pure synergy bone renewal whole food bioactive nutrients

0-3 inositol hexaniacinate

1-3 ashvaganda pills

1-4 biokult bioactives

1 manganese bisglycinate (actually i'm outta those)

1 tesco home brand b-active effervescent multi b vitamin (because fuck beroca or whatever its called, with asparfuckingtame poison and ascessulfucking poison in it).

1 1mg melatonin. (though i've not actually taken this for a while, ashvagandha + a bed-time herbal tea + cbd, is enough to help get sleep)

b6 megadose (rarely take)

a chip out of a 100mg 5-htp (taking whole ones didnt unpleasantness to me, taking a tiny amount did wonders above taking none)





and non-pills:





my main powder mix (i sprinkle this over drinks, n sometimes over food):

acerola cherry powder 27%

zinc bisglycinate

grapeseed extract

reishi mushroom powder

ginkgo biloba powder

l triptophan

b-complex

(and thinking of adding an 8:1:1 amino acid powder to it, to help build muscles)

ascorbic acid (added mainly to help dissolvability in drinks, and to make the expensive acerola cherry vit c powder go further)





gerson protocol potassium supplement made strictly to specification, and never deviating into excess consumption.

ginkgo biloba leaf ( i have my own 12 year old ginkgo biloba tree in my window, it provides enough for this raynauds sufferer ) :)

silver coloid spray (using on an abscess in my jaw)

cannabidiol supplements

various anti-anxiety tinctures





i adjust the vit d3 pills i take in awareness of how many of the other vitd3 containing things i take (mercola whole food multivitamin, green pasture blue ice royal butter oil / fermented cod liver oil blend, pure synergy bone renewal whole food bioactive nutrients) i dont think i've ever really taken a full 6. but that's just the upper range in mind, considering that's the same as is said would be made by sunlight if u got the 30 minutes full body tropical mid-day sun, after 3 days of such mid-day exposures. ... though that figure's cagey at best considering skin colour n other factors can radically change absorbtion and vitd3 production.



(wanna get back to a magnesium bisglycinate... i do have a magnesium orotate too)



if i take a lot of my powder mix, n have mixed it with a lot of my zinc bisglycinate, then i dont tend to take so many of the mercola zinc complex pills. but my real holding-back point on zinc is if my testicles start to ache. that's when you know you're definately getting enough+. this quantity is still keeping in mind the sort of dose of zinc one might get from a weekly serving of oysters.



i think the pau d'arco's been a massive boon to helping sort me out. methinks it's been killing off nasty infections.







now, all that is to say, i take a lot of stuff, a lot of my nutrition, not from my food. it's my suspicion that all of this could be drastically reducded, the more of my nutrition i get from my food. i'd get more of my nutrition from food if i were to A) stick to gerson protocol's juicing recommendations (only juice, never nutrient-empty water) and B) get heirloom nutrient dense vegetables grown in nutrient rich soil. so with a better arrangement of machinery to help the juicing, i'd be able to fullfil the first half of that easier, and it would save me enough energy, that i might even manage to start on a plan to implement the second part. i even wonder about an aquaponics arrangement. feed my veg with fish poop. n likely even manage to feed my fish, in part, with the discards from my juicing. lol. or at least use em for compost in a soil grow arrangement.



now it's not like i dont have a heavy duty nutrient focus in my food. i try to do a jug of my ayurvedically astute hemp milk each day, consisting of >2 tablespoons of hemp kernels, soaked dates and/or figs, fresh ginger, ceylon cinnamon, freshly ground cardamons, touch of turmeric, pepper and pink salt, and likely a shaved brazil nut or three (for the selenium), some allspice, vanilla, n whatever else i feel like jazzing it up with on a whim on the day. even with none of the extra jazz, it's super tasty with the main ingredients anyway. oh, and sometimes i put a dot of avacado oil in it, a dot of olive oil in it, a dot of borage oil in it, a dot of pumpkinseed oil in it, balancing out the omega oils with more flax seed oil (though really with all the hemp, it's pretty decent already) as they all have something good to offer, to plug a gap, but i dont wanna over-do any of them, not just for the omega imbalances... like avacado have a dark side to em, despite offering some precious omega 2, and olive oil have some shadey production practices that almost invariably leave nasties in it (yep, even when organic ~ as you should always be getting anyway). full palate satiation. i try to do gerson protocl green juicing through the day (lie, i'll tend to only get one pint) and carrot juicing through the day (likewise lie, i tend to only get a pint). and a hippocrates soup (ha, i'll be lucky to get a bowl of that a couple times a week). ... so... i have some really good stuff going on, and a lot of it not going on nearly enough. hence the desire for more/better machinery (and appetite stimulation like via thc) to really start getting on top of my health situation. ... not to undermine all the great strides i made this year.



also, worthy of note, recently i was reading up on other causes of anxiety problems, n hit upon stuff about viruses n bacteria... so that's another reason to really wanna get my health bolstered. there's probably some nasty living in me, responsible, perhaps at least in part, for my anxiety, depression, and my asthma, eczema, raynauds and scleroderma. maybe even a role in other ailments too. so with sufficient nutrition (including the likes of pau d'arco and bioactives, even silver coloid etc) they should get killed off and/or displaced, overwhelmed by a strengthening imune system, no longer over worked attacking everything including my body because it has failed to figure out wtf is going on. ... doubtless my vaccinations played a role in that too.



i suppose it's worth mentioning some stuff i avoid too... though at some point i might as well just post the epic spreadsheet i've been working on to help me map all this, so i know what foods/supplements/toxins are harmful/beneficial to which ailments/bodyparts.



so, top of my shitlist, or at least, foremost on my mind just now, since it relates to the notion of past inputs having caused these ailments:



sunflower oil.



i could lump in a whole load of other oils in with that too (except flax oil, hemp oil, coconut oil and ghee).



sunflower oil is such a fucking cunt. sorry for the expressive language, but if you've got eczema and/or asthma, stay the fuck away from this stuff like the plague. get avidly reading every ingredient, and avoid avoid avoid at all costs. same warning for rapeseed too. ... i think they call that canola in other parts. starting to realise just how much of my autoimune flare ups are from this stuff. and from any excess of omega 6, in absense of sufficient omega3... n that's just the dumb simple of it. there's other crap in there too monkeying with my health. so fuck sunflower oil. and all the other shitty oils too.



ayurvedic wisdom does keep me a little cagey on flax, not wanting to go to excess on it, or at least, rebalancing with some warm heavy thick earthyness, to appease my vata dosha. but it really is the best oil, when looking at omega 6 to omega 3 ratio. it will help readress the balance that you've doubtless been encountering from all the other foods prepped in ignorance of omega oil ratios. sticking to hemp will keep you right too, but if you then add some other omega rich oil besides these two, you're doubtless throwing things off balance again, n flax will help bring you back.



wheat. fuck wheat. too much of it everywhere. even when trying to avoid it, some of it gets past my resiliance.



sugar. fuck sugar. but not nearly as much as fuck the franken sugars. high fructose dextrose glucose syrup whatevers. it's not that some of these are even bad in and of themselves, but it's the context in which they arrive. a little bit of dextrose for example, a highly reactive and bioavailable sugar, wouldnt be so bad if it were in small quantities amidst an abundance of nutrition. is this what you find though? is this what commercial food offers it as? hell no. they offer it in an utterly nutrient-abscent nutrient-depleting arrangement, often with ill-prepared grains, laden with phytates, bam, double whammy for sucking the nutrients outta you right to the core of your bones. ... it's like they're trying to kill us.



i surely dont need to go on about aspartame again do i? i get so exhausted having to tell people about this. just go websearch it for yourself. go look into the history of how it entered the food supply, as well as the biological effects it has, especially on the brain. sneaky lil trojan nerf it is. slips past the blood brain barrier, n then splits up into 4 different types of excitotoxin. VERY nasty. worst thing in the food supply. anyone adding that addictive poison (no, it litterally is a poison, not just a toxin) to their commercial food needs re-educating, and if they still add it, they need to be taken out and behedead. no need for that kind of psychopaths in charge of our food, or in charge of anything. that kind of intent poses one of the greatest dangers to humanity that we have ever faced. utterly daunting, the thought of what that's doing to the brains of people. inhibiting their ability to learn new information, making them more subserviant to he who has the power to repeat their dogma the most often and loudest, imparing rational capacity, making people more volatile, giving excuses of tyrants to go "see, see how unruly n savage people are? they need a firm authority to keep them in line." bullshit. fuck you rumsfeld.



ack. i shouldnt have started that rant. lol. gets me so worked up thinking about it. really upsetting when i see friends gleefully chugging that shite. i'd rather they smoked 120 american spirit rolled tobacco cigs a day, than ever took one sip of something aspartame laden.



aaaanyways, what else should i have a little rant about.... och, fuck it. lets just keep it simple...



instead of needing to know your way around all the ingredients n how bad this or that is for this organ or that medical condition, how about, just that one simple rule...



if there's only one ingredient... if it is the ingredient, then you're doing alright. (organic, of course. they dont tell you what residues are on and in it, so better to have em be organic.)



that's kinda what i'm striving for now.



though of course that tends to mean (except for with fruit) that you're gonna be in charge of the food preparation.



... time to get some beasting machines to make that easy n fun.

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20161221

dramas ramble

so someone my social group on irc and myself know from previous social group arrangements online is going on a crazed intimidator rampage again. and i do mean both crazed, and intimidator.

threatening lives of some friends n such vile bilge.

it's got me off looking into the celestine prophecy's insights again, 6th insight most prominently (erm, tho, is it 4th too applies? i forget) and associated commentaries.

found some decent ones.

like this one for example:

armonikizoi.com/2011/a54-roles-conflicts-celestine-prophecy-how-to-deal-with-people-who-are-playing-the-roles-of-intimidator-interrogator-victim-and-aloof

(though i only read the intimidator portion of that, since it's what's pertinent at the moment. so dont go off with the perception i'm praising it in its entirety, especially if the rest's rubbish. lol)

been doing a lot of pondering my own too, off the back of this.

i'm not sure, even 11 years since i read the celestine prophecy, that i've yet worked out what my dominant control drama is. i see them all in me.

likely one of the passive ones. one key moment does stand out, from years before i read it, when a well respected insightful friend pointed out, with one word, my state at the time, which i was quite oblivious too, both the state/action, and the word... "aloof", so maybe it's that.

however i have many ailments n oft describe myself as "feeble". in my mind, this is a cheery glossing over, a relatively chipper quip, rather than letting it get on top of me.

but maybe that's because when i say it i've been getting other people's energy. but the flip side of this is, that i hate being asked how i'm doing, how i am. now that might be be an aversion to interogatives, but to me, the logic of it is as such: if i'm doing great, why would i want to take time out of that to answer such a mundane dull query (not to mention how much of a sludge status of consciousness it is to ask it... cant you see already?), and if doing poorly, why would i want to bring my attention to that sharn. but more than either side of that pesimistic logic gate, to make me think i'm not really doing poor-me control drama (and that i am actually just feeble with many ailments) is my reaction to the noises of sympathy i get when i actually bother to answer such interogatives with any level of honesty (rather than brushing off with the customary "fine" just to end it sooner). I hate it. it's like "yuck! get this sympathy off me. i neither need it, nor want it. keep your energy." it feels slimey and crawly. "how are you", what a shit question. i generally see no win scenario outta it. gotta crawl through mud with it.

n i wonder then if this is in some way some kind of aloof control drama... in part because i think i still dont quite understand the aloof control drama... but maybe it's not a control drama after all, n any curiosity it may provoke in others is something of genuine worth n insight... idk. i find a lot of blurred edges to it all. ... is that more indication of control drama? i still dont know. ^_^ not clueless, just, dont know how to assemble the clues. lol.

but anyhoo... control dramas... intimidator... how to deal.

i remember once, years n years back, some time around the time between school n college, me n some buddies were out at a friend's house, way out in the country, near a village, n we had gotten a jolly drunk, n went out to some other nearby party that had spilled over from a pub. one or two of our friends were a bit... um... shall we say, creatively styled. and, from this, we could tell the mainstay of that party were building up some aggression about this. cut to us lot running away from a small hoard of guys from the year or two above us at school, chasing us up a road into the night... and it just struck me... why are we bothering to run. wtf is gonna happen... so i just stopped. the hoard caught up with me... and... they seemed largely as clueless as to what to do as we were for running. i'm reluctant to even say "i talked my way out of it", because while it might have seemed that is what was happening, i think now what was happening was that i was simply no longer giving my energy to their intimidation. for all the blah blah fast talking i was doing, as the hoard surrounded me, and my friends (who were already running ahead faster than me by the time i stopped) ran off out of sight, i just gave up on engaging with the drama. like i just stood firm in present witness of the farce of it. utterly no harm came to me. so eventually i sauntered off back to my friend's house to continue our party, to find the rest of my friends still in fear, and astonishment i had made it back unscathed.

just dont let them. not by force. not by any other drama. just by firmed up presence, just consciousness rooted deep where you are now. just blow off the drama. get right past all that nonsense.



now, it's easy in hindsight to blah blah blah about doing that, but i know from having read other advices on the matter, while i was not so readily transcendent, stressed and readily under the whim of any control drama, that it's not so easy to grasp and implement. it's still always there, ready for you to sublimate to, just not so easy to see how, to grasp. like we seek for specific strategies, when it's not a strategy thing. it's like the absence of strategy, because you're not playing that game. it's not about winning, it's about not losing. easiest way to not lose, is to not play.

now there are all kinds of other "strategies" (i know, i just said it's not strategies... but i'm talking now about the game outside that game... a non-game, in a sense) swirling around my thoughts... carrying on game references... ever play pipe-dreams or similar? where there's a flood coming and you have to assemble lots of pipes to keep the flow going n not have it spill... well, kinda (and i do mean kinda... this is tenuous similarity threads here), instead of having your bucket, n dishing out your energy from your bucket, getting depleated, until you get filled again from another source, likely, if lost in that game you shouldnt bother playing, from other people, locked in that contentious escalation game of scarcity energy, consider you have access to another source... a source that's going to keep on flowing... and you can position pipes at it, direct that energy to where it needs to go. you're no longer depleating your energy. and you can fill the buckets of those who are still locked in that bucket game, not sublimating to transcendent states above it. n u can do this in ways that doesnt reward their dramas. and remember, we only really do our dramas to make up for our own lack. so once they're filled, once their buckets are filled, the they can have a better chance of breaking past that habit, easier to see, easier to engage in ways that dont get stuck in scarcity and theft patterns.

i quite like doing this. directing energy from source to somewhere.

sometimes, i find my actions, my direct open sharing of insights leads others to expectation of me. this is another subtle type of ... drain(?) ... pressure(?) ... it's an incumberance to the flow. like an excitement leads them to squeeze, not realising their choking the very thing they are eager to receive from. and it really is subtle enough to not be readily caught by their own self insights, and too subtle for me to halt proceedings and go "hey! stop that." or otherwise worded, like "excuse me, the effect that has on me is thus...". ... idk, or maybe it's not, n i should try that sometime. like the aproach in that link above, it finds ways to lay out the honesty of it, without engaging in the control drama game. not a poor-me "oh how could you do this to me" nor an interogator "dont you see what you're doing wrong?", nor an intimidator "stop doing that or else", nor an ... aloof ... "oh never mind then". (i had to think about the aloof example... still not really sure i'm doing it justice there, shakey such as my comprehension of it is).



okiepokes... i'm off to get breakfast. been up for hours n only had a cup of mint tea. tsk tsk. shudnt do that, with a vata dosha. ;)

until next digit's other blog post... cheerio. :)

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20161215

ow

ow ow ow ow ow ow

Posted by Digit | Permalink

20150903

pre-bedroc sit-rep

just gonna jot down a quick sit-rep in the days before this next bedrock could be ariving.

last sun, we got a clearer picture of how soon we /might/ expect the next bedrock release. could be as early as this coming weeken (tho more likely end of the month, or later ~ i'm guessing).

so... my boxes:

big rig: planned for e:d (now aka "brabenspace")... so not really in this. 2nd 3008wfp monitor enroute (after delay), ordering 3rd soon. however, it may likely still get bedrocked (still has alpha4 available). ... if, after the x60t and one of the rpi are bedrocked, this box's void might get hijacked. ;)

x60t: a partitioned space was made for bedrock nyla the moment it gots it new hd, long ago at the start of the year. oh yes, no mistaking it. it ready to go. it has been ready to do this, for a hefty duration.

r-pi 1: hooked up, ran paradigm's earlier test fetch n build script on its raspbian. conveniently just a switch to hdmi, n i'm on the pi when sat at my big rig. i have a high-speed (16 arbritraries!) card i might use for a clean bedrock install from the ground up. will be fun.

r-pi 2: small card (+adapter) enroute. hopefully arives in time for the show.

netbook: yup. shall bedrock even it. will be nice to have 32bit bedrock. :)

testbox: meh, no point bedrocking it rly.

other old boxen: nahhhh. not gonna get silly trying to bedrock any ancientware.



so, unless brabenspace announces that i can land on earth, that'll be all my main boxes going from void (or freeslack (netbook)) to bedrock. void (and the trisquel and nixos before it) were only ever intended as "an exploration", a gainful filler until this bedrock release.



what am i putting /in/ those bedrocks?

hrmm. void, slack & gentoo, looks the way of it these days. for the basic solid main players at least. i'm likely to be avoiding distros that have caught the systemd infection.

soon.... it's coming... soon.



(ah good, that was better than filling irc with my yammering about it)

Posted by Digit | Permalink